This is Tree.
This is an update.
It will be 5 years in March (the 30th) when I had the stark and immobilizing realization that I had been a part of a cult for 0ver 19 years.
It has a very rough, challenging and sometimes amusing 5 years.
Since I last posted I have been diagnosed with PTSD, acute anxiety, agoraphobia along with a few other things
as a result of my exposure to RSE.
This has had to be verified 5 times with 5 separate ph d's for various assessments.
What basically happens is my nervous system is pretty raw and short circuits easily and many times unprovoked and
often times by surprise.
this makes it very difficult to hold a job for any length of time.
this in turn makes it difficult on me as I still have plenty of energy, knowledge, enthusiasm and life to still contribute
to the herd (aka the human race).
I'll give you a recent example.
I recently went Christmas food shopping in an off time so as to avoid as many people as possible. Groups of people definitely are off limits
I had basketed the usual Christmas faire: a small cornish hen, a small ham, the fixings that go with it, some Christmas Eve
hors d'oeuvres when I proceeded down the beverage aisle.
All of a sudden one of thee Christmas albums started blasting through the entire store that used to be played at wine ceremonies
for the lengthy Christmas events (from September through December). I started to get choked up, couldn't breathe well, tears
started welling up and then JZ as Ramtha was standing
on the music riser podium drunk as a skunk with Debbie Christie aka master of music. I found myself running out of the store clutching my jacket.
Another well planned excursion out into the wild of people gone awry by some fine artist's music tainted with the JZ Knight kool aid
and thought reform.
Because I was so harassed by current RSE members while living on my property in Yelm, I had to foreclose on my property and move several
thousand miles away to the nearest non RSE friend I had. I did try to hang on to the house by renting it and having 3 people, all Ramsters
bidding on the house
All 3 got cold feet prior to signing-one, the day OF signing. Of course, this was at the start of the housing recession. But what
Ramster could refuse a great piece of property with a fully stocked UG included?! LOL!
The stress of dealing with the house long distance just really wore on me mentally and emotionally as I had put over 10 yrs
into building the house, a cabin, the outbuildings, the UG as well as raising a son and holding a full time job.
I truly loved that property and the house. But every time a renter called saying they were late with the payment, "oh, I brought
3 dogs and a cat, is that ok?", "oh, my husband just tried to strangle me, I'm sorry we can't buy your house" was just too much
for me. I had to let the house go just to be able to live. Maintaining and keeping the house was going to kill me.
Right prior to moving cross country, I was still posting on and associating with EMF.
A few of my own personal experiences and personal commentary was miscontrued by the moderators and I was banned from
the site. (-as a side note, I have found this to be the case with a few other posters as well, excluding Tyger in this category).
I have to say, being banned, along with discovering that RSE was a cult, were the 2 most devestating things to happen to me
in the last 5 years.
Here I had reached out to an awesome, viable site only to be ousted just like Joe Dispenza or Grandmother or Father were from RSE.
It was sooooo crushing as I had grown to trust and confide in the people here.
I might like to add that forums of any kind can be addicting and so I was jonesing terribly to just be a part of what I
felt such a part of, not unlike how I felt leaving RSE. I felt I had made some great contributions, and this
brought me great inner peace to be able to contribute.
I was able to access the site remotely from another country and its' VPN. But after some time, it just seemed ludicrous
to go to such measures so as to re-connect with people I felt so connected to and with as we all had a common bond-albeit destructive bond-
that of the Ranch and the methodologies of JZ Knight.
My experience with several other forums has not been this at all.
I have been welcomed and free to talk about my experiences as well as my opinions on the approaches of healing.
I think part of this is due to moderators being of the "normal" world if you will. No other forums are moderated my former cult members,
so they are not marred by any thought patterns or rituals or key words or whatever else it is that bonds cult survivors.
I still think many of us have lingering things from RSE that most likely will be with us until our lives end here
on this earth, as much as we will not like to admit it. But that is what 20 years of your life will give you- things, memories,
experiences that will be with you for ever. That is par for the course. We can choose to USE those experiences to lift up
our lives in many different ways or we can choose to dwell on them as if we are cursed for ever.
I also want to make a commentary on an excerpt from Janja Lilich's Book: Take Back Your Life.
In it she quotes that it takes rough 1- 2 years to fully recover.
This, for me, was an entirely erroneous statement. At least for me. It couldn't have been farther from the truth.
I was ecstatic when I read that! I thought, with every crappy, depressing day I had that I would just reach for the 1 yr
mark and then the 2 yr mark. When they passed and I was still having b e y o n d horrible days of depression and the occasional
suicidal thought, I thought there was something terribly wrong with me.
It was at this point I found one of the best therapists I have ever had the extreme pleasure of working with.
(another side note: there are no cult experts or counselors in the Pacific NorthWest that I found. And I searched extensively!)
This woman had a solid schedule. She had NO room for me.
But, because she had read my history and she had a very good friend who had a daughter who had been entrapped by a small
cult in a rural area, she had great hopes of learning through her work with ME, that she would be able to help her friends'
daughter who was lost to the cult. She made room for me every week. The therapy gods were shining down on me ;)
She used the definitive guidebook by Marsha Linehan ph.d for Mindful Solutions for mental conditions for integration.
Jill did amazing work with me. And I with her.
I was willing and very able to do the work necessary to re-learn to cope with life's situations, strategies and surprises.
It is a 1-2 year program. I finished 9 months of the program and found myself needing to move.
The following year I made another trek cross country. The person in the living situation I was in was not willing to bring in
any kind of mediation into the relationship nor to the living situation that included children.
I saw no sense to continue to argue about it. What needed was a peaceful resolve that all parties could agree to.
But, she refused the free (paid by me) help. (a Stubborn attribute played a key role here).
It was at this point I made a choice for myself. Another fine milestone, I might add.
This person had become my pacifier for the real world because when I arrived,
I could not even venture outside the little "mushroom shack" (as we called it) by the creek without her help.
She had to make me daily chores lists and I had to wait for her to come home in order to be able to just go to the store.
Every car that went by, I was constantly looking to see which Ramster drove it.
Every tree that went by I thought that there was some magical teaching coming about at any minute.
I had even taken several cases of dehydrated food on this treak because SURELY the East Coast and the world was
going to end in a heart beat!!
I have no idea how she learned to adapt to my bizarre idiosyncratic ways and outbursts that would just come out of the blue.
She was, and still is, a very tolerant being. I was and still am entirely blessed.
I would not wish upon anyone the heartache and pain that comes with living with someone with some mental issues.
It also didn't help that she had her OWN special version of PTSD that manifested itself entirely differently.
Fortunately, hers is getting much better and faster with time than mine currently is. Her version of exposure was 4 years.
But, I am not here to race to any end
line for health nor enlightenment which I was constantly in while a part of the more advancing group aka Blue College or Group 12
at the Ranch. This here, is real life, not some made up concoction of some sociopath's figment of their imagination.
I am still a work in progress.
I have been asked to participate in at least one other documentary at this time.
I have actively been pursuing 2 other interests in my life with vim and vigor. I will be taking a 6 month trekking sabbatical.
I take alot of baths with eucalyptus for calming.
I listen to alot of podcasts by Gil Fronsdal.
I keep a weekly mental health diary posted in the book by Marsha Linehan.
I interact with dogs as much as I can as well as walking in the brisk air.
Most any form of exercise is grounding. Grounding is good.
I would really wish to meet James F in a happen chance meeting. He was such a good friend and a great all around guy with
a great sense of athletic adventure. He was a great pleasure to work with (unless of course JZ came down with some dictum).
I would bet a great deal of money he was paid off never to speak of you-know-who
and RSE ever again. What he must have endured with that woman must have been enormous.
I am happy to see that J.O. has made a life for himself. He was another awesome guy that I had the pleasure of working with.
I really wish for all who have formed bonds with this forum and the people thereof that they fully recover from the
effects of such a mind f&^% and that there truly are caring people in the world who can help them on their journey.
I have one last thought in that much of my recovery was made possible by another former member.
This former member had gotten out of the RSE snare about a year before I had.
This person held my hand the entire way of my exit and to this day, she has not waivered one iota.
She has not made fun of me, dissed me, nor has she belittled me at any time.
We have become great friends and supports to each other along the way and after the way.
She was able to warn me of certain signs, she was there to hear my tears, my then-drunken tirades
(until I kicked that nasty habit, ty JZ Knight)
she has been there to hear my triumphs and funny
stories. She has been like the big sister program of the exiting cult world. Without her, I would not be where I am today.
For this I am eternally grateful and would recommend this approach to any exiting cult member.
Blessings and Happy New Year to you all.
- David McCarthy
- Site Admin
- Posts: 2596
- Joined: Sun Jan 06, 2008 1:09 am
- Location: New Zealand
Thank you...and all the very best to you TreeBlessings and Happy New Year to you all.
and Thank you CD
A friend of mine read what I posted and called me.
She pointed out that what was really poignant was for family members to realize that getting people out of the group is only
the first step. The battle, if you will, begins then.
I think Joe posted about a new or recent movie out called : Mary May , etc
the trailer was too intense for me but looks about right as far as aftermath effects of a group.
in fact, while writing this, I had typed "it has been 3 years"....um...then I looked up my first post.
lose time much Tree?
and the flashbacks just come out of the blue. oh. and the nightmares.
The nightmares are decreasing somewhat but after a month or two I feel "good" then get a really reallydisturbing dream
with jz or Debbie Christie or whomever...and then I get frustrated because I think:
wow...my brain still has those tracks made by RSE and Scamtha the stupid one.
It gets really old.
And then I take a eucalyptus bath, try to take in some sunshine, call into work (if I'm working) because I am really really out of sorts,
call my supports for some 'chores for the day' to keep me busy...and then back at it again.
I will refrain from posing under the dirty laundry thread as I think many previous posters have some very viable points.
no sense stirring the turd in the toilet
AD will be missed though.
I am very eager to read of more survivors stories.
For me, I always find solace in knowing that I am not alone in going through most everything I am going through,
although at the time it feels as if no one understands.
Especially in a foreign town.
Which reminds me of little wise one's post re: telling new people you met that you'e been in a cult or not.
yeah- the ol brush off of: yeah: this is 2012- you should be over that by now really grates me.