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I am embarrassed that I did it again.

Posted: Wed Feb 20, 2013 1:24 am
by heyV
I am embarrassed that I did it again. I was a fundementalist christian for 20 years and in an abusive marriage that I finally had the courage to leave from and left the religion too. I know now it was a cult- and I don't think there are any belief systems that aren't now. I have the right to believe that I am just a animal that has thoughts - I wanted to believe so much more- that I was a god- that superior beings created me and I am special and will evolve to better and better because this life scares the shoot outta me and always has.

I feel embarrassed because I was so proud of building myself a "religion free" life before RSE- I was better then all the crap in my life because I was evolving to something better. And here I am weeping and hiding in my house because I was sucked in again. I am honestly afraid to think anything - I am afraid to even breathe. I feel like I have swallowed poison and am waiting to die from it.

Does this get easier? The stress that I couldn't deal with well (that the cult relieved for me) is back and I am hurting bad. And now the weight of another blunder. I just feel like a total loser. Insert Cuss Words here- in big capital letters!

I dont know how to build a life- depression has set in. I dont want to do anything, even leave the house. Please no pat answers- no offense to anyone, but I just can't take that right now.

Re: I am embarrassed that I did it again.

Posted: Wed Feb 20, 2013 5:12 am
by Vanilla
I feel you. It sucks. Everyday to be now on the outside looking in at a bunch of nuts, feeling lonely.

Re: I am embarrassed that I did it again.

Posted: Wed Feb 20, 2013 7:20 am
by Ockham
Hi heyV,

I feel really bad that you feel so hurt. I have a lot of respect that you are working to put the fundamentalist religion and bad marriage behind and build a better life. A lesser person may have given up. RSE holds out the promise to do exactly what you are looking for.

I have not been in RSE, but I have viewed RSE promotional material and read publicly available RSE literature. It all seems reasonable enough, though maybe not as unique information as RSE would like one to believe. The first I heard of RSE was the white book, Ramtha, a later edition where SWienberg's attribution was replaced by, "JZ Knight and Ramtha." I'm still trying to figure it out: My friends were bowled over, but for me it seemed like a pretty average New Age tract. The book, "Ramtha," seems to borrow ideas from Werner Erhard, Helena Blavatsky, Gloria Steinem, Thomas Harris, et al. I got the message that we're ultimately responsible for making the most out of what life has to offer - but I stopped short of buying into the idea that we condense reality out of what we think. It seems like RSE has twisted the idea that the brain can be a filter that misinterprets reality into fantasy ... into the notion that the mind condenses fantasy into reality. Don’t try making cars into big pillows and walking blindfolded into a four lane highway!

I've had friends go to RSE events and come back full of energy - no denying that. But they also spout off crazy stuff to the extent they're afraid to say much because of the NDA they have to sign. They talk about US government UFO technology, lizard beings, 1500 foot tidal waves, volcanoes, earthquakes, comets, etc. Some of it has roots in truth, but is blown way out of proportion. The RSE model seems to be to rope the customer in with high energy feel good empowerment like you might get at a Fred Pryor seminar or Outward Bound, but then slowly start to blend in the crazy woot-woot stuff about UFO aliens and cataclysmic earth disasters. It seems like the long term message gradually becomes dominated by the scary stuff with the answer always just one more event away.

I like the analogy about RSE being like a frog in slowly warming water. The RSE curriculum is carefully engineered to gradually brain wash customers so they don't bolt like a frog jumping out when suddenly tossed into a pot of boiling water. Conversely, leaving RSE is a shock to the system - like from a sauna to jumping into a snow drift.

I don't think anybody should feel bad for being attracted to RSE. RSE is a rung on the ladder of the search for truth, the purpose for why we have been graced with being human beings living here on Earth, and what lies beyond. It is RSE that should be embarrassed in shamelessly taking advantage of truth seekers, knowingly stripping dignity and wealth for the personal benefit of Ms. Knight and her cohorts.

Re: I am embarrassed that I did it again.

Posted: Wed Feb 20, 2013 7:59 pm
by Tree

first...welcome and I am SOOOO happy you navigated your way to this site.

Having said that, you WILL navigate your way o u t. is very difficult and painful.

Time, solace, reading & reading (then stopping to absorb because it is too much), more time,
talking to ex ramsters (visit the Facebook site Enlightenment Everyone: EE...ask us to add you), and being utterly patient
with yourself.

the book "Take Back Your Life" is a great one to start.

Being gentle with your self, coping how YOU feel you need to....are all of utter survival and importance right now.

Having been on this recovery path for a little over 5 and a half years has been THEE most difficult thing in my life I have
EVER done- and I would not wish this on anyone!

Many people have cult hopped, or gone from abusive marriage-> cult -> gang member - they are all the same mind set.
You have finally come to a true helping source.

Read what you can.
Stop, absorb, ask questions as we have been where you are and can help.

Make sure you keep grounded by either walking or doing some kind of, or zumba or something similar.
Eat well.
Try to sleep (or get some meds or alternative help to sleep).

I hope this helps.

hugs, TREE

Re: I am embarrassed that I did it again.

Posted: Thu Feb 21, 2013 4:23 am
by seriously
HeyV, welcome. I'm really sorry you're feeling the way you are but at least you're not still on the inside with blinders on. Now you know the truth and can move on with your life but do so with more knowledge about the world and people like JZ that take advantage of others for their gain. She's a horrible horrible, pathetic, ugly (both physically and spiritually) person.

Get through this. It's going to be difficult but you'll hit a point where every day will be better than the last. I've been out for a long time and wouldn't give JZ a thought if my family wasn't still fully immersed. I hate her for her impact on my family's lives. Maybe I'll eventually let that go. I don't know but I doubt it.

Again, welcome and know its going to be ok.

Re: I am embarrassed that I did it again.

Posted: Thu Feb 21, 2013 8:03 am
by heyV
Thank you for taking the time to send replies to my message. I want to just make sure I am talking to someone, because I can't (won't) tell my family so they have no idea why I am so depressed. I have been thinking about suicide. I also feel that I have such a hole in me that will be so painful for so long that it seems to be not worth the effort. But my Mom and my son love me and i couldn't do that to them, but I am seriously struggling. day 3 after believing I am a god and being brainwashed and abused long before this crap added to it and finished it off. V

Re: I am embarrassed that I did it again.

Posted: Thu Feb 21, 2013 11:08 am
by MydogPIB
Hi heyV :D

I care. You are not alone.

I take you seriously and I am grateful you logged on EMF
and got on this forum. There are some very great, caring
people that read your posts.

You have been through a lot.

This is temporary. Your feeling suicidal. It's temporary.
We'll help figure out a way to get you through this rough patch.
That you took the time to write about your feelings of despair
these last couple of days, means there is hope. Lot's of hope.

You are awesome, heyV. Get back online here with everyone.
Tell us more about what's up. It's cool if you want to share your
pain. We'll all figure out a way to get you
some help! :D Help is definitely available. Your life is important to me.

Re: I am embarrassed that I did it again.

Posted: Thu Feb 21, 2013 8:53 pm
by seriously
HeyV, be strong. Get through this. Your son needs you. You're important and you life matters to more people than you know. If you're feeling like you're going to do something, please seek help. Go to an emergency room if you have to. Set up some time with a counselor. It would be good to pour all your thoughts and feelings out to a trained professional.

Hang in there HeyV. We care about you.

Re: I am embarrassed that I did it again.

Posted: Thu Feb 21, 2013 10:33 pm
by heyV
Hi, thanks for the caring notes. I cry everytime I log on because I feel that someone cares and knows - and I can't tell anyone in my life. Unfortunately I am pretty broke and no insurance- so having to get through this alone and without medical intervention. I am feeling so dam out of it mentally. I can't keep my thoughts straight. I dont know what to believe. Everyone else seems to handle life but I think I must be broken. I really dont want to leave my house or seek any intervention, I just dont have the energy to even move or eat right now. Counselors are good, but I dont even want to move - so embarrassed and ashamed of who and what I am. I dont want anyone to see me like this. I probably need psyciatric care, but dont have a way to get that.
I approached my Mom about finding a place near home (6 hours away) so I can move to where I have some people, because right now I am in a city with no friends. My lease is up in 3 months so I must stay alone and hurting for that time, I am scared to break my lease, but I am so alone that it scares me. I wish I could tell my Mom that I joined a cult- but how f***ing embarrassing is that! I just cry everytime I think about how trapped I feel in my tiny room alone and friendless. I am scared that moving home they would want me to be "happy and peppy" and that is NOT possible right now. Urgh.

Re: I am embarrassed that I did it again.

Posted: Thu Feb 21, 2013 11:24 pm
by MydogPIB
Hi heyV

I am checking in because I wanted to be here when you came online today.

What city did you move too? I have also moved to major cities with no friends.

Re: I am embarrassed that I did it again.

Posted: Thu Feb 21, 2013 11:48 pm
by Robair
Hello Everyone

Hello V
Most of us has been reacting in many different ways when finding out that we have been taken to the cleaner by that Charlatan Nine faces . EMF is a great tool for helping recovering from this Cult, I myself think that most on here are as good as anyone when comes of knowing and advising, It’s always amazing to see everyone get in to the action and help, no reason for us even getting involved but we are never far away and read everything. Most have been true a lot and know exactly how you feel, most of us have recuperated well with that kind of help, but if it s not helping you, perhaps professional help could help, or reaching out like Mydog mentioned let everyone know where you are Perhaps someone on here will be able to contact you personally . In the mid time we are all hear for you. I do agree that talking about it do help a lot. Don’t give up and give yourself some space, we all know that life is going to get much better, JZ is not worth a dime and her time is running out.
Also feel free to PM me anytime.

Re: I am embarrassed that I did it again.

Posted: Fri Feb 22, 2013 1:29 am
by MydogPIB

I see you're on line now.
I would love to listen to what you have to say in your next post.

I see you wrote about how "you can't keep your thoughts straight" and "everyone else seems to handle life, but I think I must be broken"

I would like to hear more about this on your next post, if you wish.

I know you don't feel like talking to anyone about intervention, or leaving your house
or eating. I care about this. But there you are in a big city and no close friends and family.

You might not want to share your city for privacy reasons. May I suggest
Googling "crisis clinic, (your city)." There are often free short-term
resources available. I encourage you to call someone. It's private and confidential.
I can't encourage you enough to make contact. You can actually talk to someone on the phone. Getting help will lessen your pain. You need immediate attention.

Your life has value to people you may never meet in
that as you move through the crisis, you will be able to share your story to
help others who may follow.

As you see on these posts. You are of great value to us and I care as does Seriously, Robair, Vanilla, and other people who have not yet written on this forum. I am looking forward to hearing back from you on your next post.

Sincerely and with great love,


Re: I am embarrassed that I did it again.

Posted: Fri Feb 22, 2013 2:32 am
by RoyGBiv
heyV, welcome.
no no no suicide allowed on my shift!
I did try to suicide when I left RSE back in the 90's and that didn't go well. I woke up in an intensive care unit feeling like a failure. Ugh

... then, speaking of embarassment, I returned to THE SAME CULT earlier this year... duh.

OK. We have made bonehead moves right? :oops:
The feelings you're expressing right now are normal. What you're going through is known to us all on here. You're in the right place and among friends.

Right now, just give yourself time, read up on cults and high-pressure groups, keep sharing, and please please stay alive. PM me if you need to talk by phone.

Re: I am embarrassed that I did it again.

Posted: Fri Feb 22, 2013 3:29 am
by Rooster
Welcome Hey V,
I am so happy you are here! We do care so very much, and know the pain you are feeling. Do not be embarrassed, please! I know easier said than done, but we all make mistakes. I have made very bad ones myself. Cults, abuse, self abuse , alcohol. You are not broken and you too have the strength to over come. Life does get better after rse. Reaching out does help. People are much more loving and forgiving than you know. I know sometimes we want to hide and feel everything is against us. It is not true. The true beauty in people around us, and in our selves really does shine when given a chance. Do not give up on your self. I am in your corner!

Re: I am embarrassed that I did it again.

Posted: Fri Feb 22, 2013 4:51 am
by Ockham
Hi HeyV,

I know it is a kind of shop-worn old movie, but see if you can get hold of It's a Wonderful Life and watch it. That's one of the best lessons I know, showing how we all touch many many people in ways that we never know, and that the world would be a far worse place were it for the untimely loss of ourselves at our own doing.

Don't worry about your lease; break it if you have to. Being back with your family is far more valuable.

Everybody here cares! Remember it is RSE that is broken, not you. Please stay in touch.

Re: I am embarrassed that I did it again.

Posted: Fri Feb 22, 2013 5:52 pm
by Tree

Wanted you to know that I felt that exact way (minus feeling stupid under the parent's watchful eye)
for my first 3 months out.
One day, (after several days of drinking half bottles of Jack D) I decided to call my mom (who is, literally,
like Joan Crawford in Mommie Dearest. Seriously. Hangers and all.)
I cried and blathered, and I could tell in her voice she had NO clue what to do.
What does one do with a suicidal child?

Then David phoned me here from EMF. I didn't really believe him everyone goes through this.
But then again, that was nearly 6 years ago and there were very few speaking out.

Now I KNOW. And I personally know of at least 10 people who committed suicide while in RSE.
So SOMETHING must be amiss.

DO try to reach out via skype or phone. You never know which one sentence or one paragraph will be in epiphany.

Keep grounded.

Your brain and emotions don't know what to do now that you know that you have just been bamboozled by an entire belief system.

Reach out to people here.
Ask for their phone numbers.
Ask to skype.

And touch the dirt, trees or water.

you DO have the tenacity to go through this.
It is entirely up to you.

You see RoyGBiv tried that route as well.....
and he is still here.

I want to know how you are doing.


Re: I am embarrassed that I did it again.

Posted: Fri Feb 22, 2013 11:06 pm
by heyV
Hi, thank you so so much for helping and making comments. I am still here and trying to eat and reading everything I can to find out what happened to me. I am so grateful for caring of you all because I just dont have anyone else. that sounds so pitiful, but what else can I say but the truth?

I am now only a few days out and still so badly depressed that I think about so much that it would be better- I try to imagine how if would make my poor son feel- but I am more concnerned that I seem to have ruined my life.

I am so sad that I have ruined my finances and have nobody-
I just think the things that make people happy are not available to me, a home, family, job.

How can I recover from so long of being so hurt? How is that possible?

I am scared to talk to my son on the phone- I am afraid I will cry. He is getting ready to move in with my abusive ex husband and won't really talk to me because he is also blaming me for the way the marriage turned out. Deep anguish for myself and for the thought of him with the man who has many components of brainwashing and abuse having access to our only child.

My mom didn't reply about moving home - and that is her way of saying "no" so more rejection and hurt.

Thank you for letting me say what is really going on in my mind and heart.

Mostly I feel like I am doomed to be that crazy lady ya know? :cry: This seems to be my lot in life- what is wrong with me???
If anyone has been in this place where I am at now, and has formed a good life please i would love to hear from you. I am without friends, job or social support. I am terribly depressed and just can't seem to even get the umph to take a shower. :oops:
I feel embarrassed to be needing support, like there is something very wrong with me. I feel like I should be triumphant and happy and ...Not what I am.
Thank you, V

Re: I am embarrassed that I did it again.

Posted: Fri Feb 22, 2013 11:48 pm
by heyV
I am in the St louis area.

Re: I am embarrassed that I did it again.

Posted: Sat Feb 23, 2013 2:04 am
by Ockham
Hi heyV,

In the St. Louis area you can call Behavioral Health Services at 314-469-6644 or 800-811-4760 24 hours a day, seven days a week, to reach a trained supportive human being. There are a number of free support groups in the St. Louis area. I think if you call the help line, they should be able hook you up with somebody non judgemental that can help for free.

Re: I am embarrassed that I did it again.

Posted: Sat Feb 23, 2013 2:06 am
by Lost in Space
Dear HeyV:

It is true I never belonged to RSE, I just have people I love who are still there. It is also true that I know what it's like to have the entire underpinnings of your life up to a certain point collapse under you; I know how it feels to be suicidally depressed; I know how agonizing it is to rebuild your life from the ground up.
I just wanted to share that we all buy into things which in the end are not good for us, from time to time. I know few people who can honestly say they have never invested energy, time or money in something that in the end did not pan out for them. There is no need to be embarrassed or humiliated - if you were deceived you had plenty of company.
And I wanted also to share with you how very glad I am I did not end my life years ago when I wanted to. No, my life is not perfect now, but it is full of lovely people and so many small daily events that give me joy. It is, I know, easy to lose sight of the good things and potentials in this life when you are wading, or when it seems as if you are wading, through mountains of sludge.
Things that helped me when I was desperate:
Talking to strangers at the bus stop. You might think that I told them my life story but it was the other way around, no, they needed MY HELP, it appears, just someone to listen and acknowledge them so they could get through their day.
Relationships, even ones that didn't work out so well in the long run.
Reading biographies of people who overcame challenges in life.
Daily, writing my thoughts and impressions, and also listing at least two things each day that I could like about myself.
Taking up hiking. Actually, any physical activity can help us to balance and ground ourselves in reality.
Recalling past triumphs in my life, however small they may have been.
Sometimes, calling a distress line. I think Tree is on to something, suggesting that you call some of the EMF members.
Hope this somehow helps. It is good to see how many people showed for you.

Re: I am embarrassed that I did it again.

Posted: Sat Feb 23, 2013 4:10 am
by naturegirl
Dear HeyV,
I am sorry for your pain, I truly am and I do care about you and just know that I will pray for you that whatever is needed in your life to get you though this healing process that you are surrounded in love and compassion.

After reading today that Judith wants this site close down – one never knows how long we will have this site up and running. So, if you want to talk privately, please let me know. I care and I am here. The feeling that you are feeling, will past.

Stay Strong and don't do anything crazy! There is a God and this divine presence loves you very much.

Re: I am embarrassed that I did it again.

Posted: Sat Feb 23, 2013 11:23 am
by Cheryl
Yes, if this site is tenuous, we need another site to ensure we can stay connected and help each other! If you are not on Facebook, create an alias so you can get into the private support group site called Enlighten Europa. I really hope Judith can't get her fingers on this site, but it is good to be safe. Plus, there are many active members of EE too. It is good to help each other heal!

Once of FB, befriend Virginia Coverdale. Then message her to become a member of EE!

Re: I am embarrassed that I did it again.

Posted: Sat Feb 23, 2013 1:37 pm
by MydogPIB
hi heyV,

I have been reading your posts and thinking about you.

I have experienced, years ago, being in so much emotional pain, of having similar
thoughts you have been having.

I discovered that a large factor in my "crazy thinking" was due to a chemical imbalance in my brain.
The imbalance I had caused by eating a lot of white sugar. I wasn't diabetic, but I robbed a lot of
minerals and vitamins from my brain because the body grabbed it to process the sugar. And I
was under stress, and the stress robbed much from my brain nutritionally.

I made a point of eating protein, especially first thing in the morning, for my brain to function better.
And ate vegetables (taking a vitamin was okay, but it didn't hack it like real garden vegetables)
I reasoned that over thousands of years of evolution, people ate vegetables, some fruit and protein
and grains, but white sugar didn't exist in such large quantities until the 1900's to present. The body, especially the brain, just is not set up to handle the influx. (believe me, I used to have a sweet tooth)

From reading the "Sugar Blues" book, I also realized my body craved sugar to get me to eat more to make up for the lost minerals/vitamins. The book "Sugar Blues" was written by William Dufty. If you
are interested, you can wiki him and the book for a short synopsis.

I started eating green vegetables breakfast/lunch/dinner and within a day or two, I didn't feel so "wacky" and within a few days my sugar cravings started disappearing. (yes, I ate some sugar treats, but only with meals, I did stop snacking on sugar snacks. If I wanted sugar, I would eat some green vegetables and then eat a sweet treat)

Also, I googled "Mayo Clinic", the famous hospital. A thyroid imbalance can contribute to "crazy feelings". As can other medical conditions that contribute to chemical imbalances. Mayo Clinic described success with a natural B vitamin called inositol. Google the term "inositol" and also look under Mayo Clinic "panic attack" symptoms to see their recommendations

Once I got my brain in better balance with food, I went to the library and started looking at self-help books to deal with my depression and pain. I loved the book "The Road less traveled" by M. Scott Peck. Another author who's books helped me is John Bradshaw's "Homecoming:Reclaiming and
championing your inner child". I had seen John Bradshaw on PBS TV specials in the '90's.

I also found a reason to go outside and get some exercise by walking in nature. Can you walk or
take the bus or drive to a place with nice trees and grass? I visited St Louis years ago with friends.
Maybe the crocus flowers are starting to bloom? Walking will naturally release endorphins. What is fun, that you like to do, that will coax you out for a stroll?

It was a lot of work for me to get to where I am now. But I feel immensely happy and grounded.

Thinking of you,

Re: I am embarrassed that I did it again.

Posted: Sat Feb 23, 2013 6:35 pm
by Ockham
Something I'd recommend is the book, Take Back Your Life: Recovering from Cults and Abusive Relationships , by Lalich and Tobias. This text has been highly recommended by posters on EMF and the book aslo receives very high ratings from its readers who commented on If you don't want to leave the shelter of your home, you can order a used copy on line from Amazon for about ten bucks. I think that would be a wise investment.

Hang in there HeyV. Just think how great the future can be because you have the freedom to do ANYTHING. You aren't stuck with the bounded choice environment of RSE and slavish devotion to pointless disciplines. You have the freedom to do what you want when you want, where you want.

This is slightly off topic, but I have to say it. I think it will be a cold day in hell before RSE or its agents could shut down EMF. True, RSE can make it quite uncomfortable, but there are constitutionally protected guarantees in the US that allow us the freedom to speak publicly as we wish (of course hate and defamation not withstanding). There are advocacy resouces that can help protect this right. I hope if it is needed, a group such as the ACLU, EFF or an Internet advocacy organization will step up to help David and Robair.

Re: I am embarrassed that I did it again.

Posted: Sun Feb 24, 2013 6:16 am
by RoyGBiv
hey V,
You can recover from this situation. You have talents and resources that haven't been uncovered yet. I left RSE broke and homeless, my truck didn't even run. After the suicide attempt and hospitalization, I was really starting from ground zero. Here I am now with a lovely spouse, a home that's paid for, and a secure life. It can happen pretty quickly.

One handy hint that's served me well. When you're confused, in despair and don't know what to do, ask yourself: "What would a wise, kind, balanced person say to me right now? What advice would they give me?" You'll be surprised how those answers come out of you.

The Lalich book is wonderful as mentioned above, and the Singer book, "Cults In Our Midst" helped me a lot too. You find out everything you're feeling is NORMAL! Holey Moley.

Hang in there

Re: I am embarrassed that I did it again.

Posted: Sun Feb 24, 2013 5:48 pm
by Jingz
You have come to the right place, keep reading and sleep a lot, give your mind and body time to heal. Roy is right, you can shift the kaleidoscope to expose strengths and talents that wouldn't have been visible to you before. Remember a diamond has to go through a lot before it becomes that brilliant stone! You have it all now because you are awake and believe me, you are helping soooo many who are lurking reading and trying to find the courage. Be proud of yourself, you just need a little more polishing!


Re: I am embarrassed that I did it again.

Posted: Mon Feb 25, 2013 2:09 am
by heyV
Hi everyone, I took a little time (and a shower) yesterday and let everything simmer on the back burner I guess. I still am having a hard time eating and I barely sleep. I do feel better? I have stopped the several times a day crying jags that rip out my heart, so that is improving.
I found a group of athiests that I am going to get connected in with here in town. I went to a support group meeting today and cried alot.

I struggle mightily with self esteem- every tiny thing makes me feel insulted, and I feel very "raw" like my feelings have been sandpapered.

I talked to my son - honestly for the first time in (ever?) and that is directly linked to me not thinking I have all the answers and can solve all problems with creating reality. This might? be a new start for us. I can only hope.

I miss having a god to turn to and being able to "leave it all in prayer" or visualize my reality, I flounder around because reality right now seems dirty and gritty and ugly. I feel like I am seeing the world as a ugly 70's movie, where you feel icky after watching it.

So that is where I am at today. I am still here. Thank you for the special notes that you have sent me- I am sorry I am not able to be real appreciative right now- I am just so selfish for awhile- I am trying to shunt the pain off into a dark corner and am not responding well to others quite yet.

I sure hope this honest attempt to tell you how this feels helps someone. I want to feel that I still matter in some way.

Re: I am embarrassed that I did it again.

Posted: Mon Feb 25, 2013 3:37 am
by MydogPIB
heyV :D

I am so glad you are still here! You are a treasure!
Absolutely you are of value!

What an amazing act you did to call your son. I am very happy for you!
I would love to hear more.

It is perfectly normal that "every tiny thing makes me feel insulted and I feel 'very raw' like my feelings have been sandpapered." 

I am very glad you went out to meet with the atheist support group. 

Don't worry about being appreciative. Everyone posting to you on EMF will be perfectly fine. I am not expecting "appreciation" in the least. I am just happy you are here and writing your posts.

Is there anything you really enjoy, but haven't done for awhile?

HeyV, you are unique and of tremendous value. You have temporarily lost sight of your value. Absolutely you are/will be helping people with your posts.
Your life is important to me!

I am looking forward to reading your next posts!


Re: I am embarrassed that I did it again.

Posted: Wed Feb 27, 2013 7:21 am
by heyV
Hi everyone, I want to make sure and keep writing so whoever might need this can see my path, and maybe this will help someone.
Today I went to another support group- I was able to talk and cry- tonight I feel better. Just taking a shower and driving my car felt empowering.
I have to change so much I kinda have a weird reality right now. It feels exactly like when my Dad died and I was in that first stage of disbelief and unreality, just having it hit me in waves.

This is grief. You who have lost someone know what I am talking about. The waves of unreality that hit you in the morning- the *hope* sliding away as reality hits. The unexpected crying jags, the weird behavior. Today I caught myself telling someone in the support group about surfing the internet for something... something that is NOT normally discussed. :oops: Bizarre relating to people, behavior is 2 degrees off normal- and the worst part is I KNOW it, but can't seem to stop. Its as if my brain is healing and is coming back on- (sigh).

The grief of not being god keeps hitting me in waves- tonight as I was making dinner I automatically began to think about "when I win my lottery" that I had been visualizing, and I realized with sadness and anxiety that this part of my life is over. I mean Good F***ing Riddance, but it meant so much to me. I had based important decisions on it and I had really believed.

That is the worst (best?) part of this, I now realize I am really nothing, no great politician, actress, or anyone of any notice. I spent so much time thinking I was. To fall from the throne of heaven to a studio apartment in the ghetto of St Louis is a long long fall.

Thank you for listening. I am continuing to recover- I like to remember that it has only been a short time since I realized, and the life I need to build now is the only one I will really have.

I gave up all magical thinking, no ghosts, superstitions, good luck, none of it. I also gave up the idea of an afterlife, and that one severely hurts. I just can't ascribe to what no longer makes sense if I am intellectually honest and not afraid to look at reality as it actually is rather than through mind control religions. My mind rebells at this, I hate it, but I dont think I will ever have the innocence (naivety) that I so treasured about myself, believing I was truly good and kind and sweet when I saw others hard and mean. I thought I had found the way to be more, to be above it all. Now I see I was a victim of many who saw that innocence and desire to be good and sweet and sucked me dry like vampires.

I hate that I have to be such a realist now, it is a long long fall and a bone crushing landing.

Re: I am embarrassed that I did it again.

Posted: Wed Feb 27, 2013 7:24 am
by Tree
hey V

Know that I care.

Know that I have been through the same thing.

Also know, the moderators have removed my ability to PM others.
That is their perogative - it is their site.

At any rate, join us on EE via Facebook.
As Cheryl said, sign up under an alias if need be.
Friend Virginia Coverdale and ask her to be a part of this.

Several times a week, on any given day, people have really really crappy days and people
respond instantly.
It has been nearly 6 years since I got out, and I found myself in the C & E position doing my list last
night after a troubling time.
the first time it happened, I was mortified!
But now I know, my brain was REALLY messed with going to r$e.

Brain imbalances are also possible.
EAT. SLEEP. (however you can. I didn't for a l o n g, l o n g time. But a little is better than none.) BREATHE and touch dirt, or water
or trees.

Feel free to tell us how you feel.
But keep those phone numbers handy that were posted.

Keep talking to people.

Being around a dog helped me immensely!!

Helping others, in whatever seemingly small way helps as well.

I hope today is a good day for you!

Some will be good.
Some will be bad.
Some will totally suck.

Those days will start to even out though with time.

There is no miracle pill.

Your sheer inner will.

Come join us on EE!!

Again, SLEEP well, EAT well and try to walk a bit.



Re: I am embarrassed that I did it again.

Posted: Wed Feb 27, 2013 7:27 am
by Tree

you posted while I was posting!!

you are sounding a wee bit better. :D

yes, it comes in waves. You must ride those waves. It really sucks.

Also, that huge hole or void of not having "God" or even 'you' as aspiring to being someone great. POOF. GONE!!
I think that hole is one of the hardest things to deal with.

I still have it. Did NOT want to fill it in with anything else.

I did with EMF for a while til I got kicked off.

Continue with your support group.
It sounds like it is a very good thing for you right now!!

Blessings and Hugs,


Re: I am embarrassed that I did it again.

Posted: Wed Feb 27, 2013 10:13 am
by Kelku

Dito... to what all the others have already said... so happy you made it there.
And now it's time to not stop getting up in the morning and taking a shower.
You got the book 'Take back your life' in the meantime? I am reading it again right now... it's a year since my official leave and I fell into another hole.... just crawling out.
EMF and working on EE has helped me immensely and still does.
If you can find some medical and psychological support (even if you have no insurance) I advise you to think about an anti depressant for the beginning time and definitely psychological help.
We are well trained to 'do it all by ourselves' because 'we are creating it'.....- f...* that shit*!
We are all so worth to get down from that false throne to adjust our real crown.... and you are as well, girl. Hang in there!

I send you much love


Re: I am embarrassed that I did it again.

Posted: Thu Feb 28, 2013 2:30 am
by California Dreamin'
heyV -

While I haven't commented yet on your posts, I have been following you and your situation closely. I too, like most
of us, have been badly damaged by my years at RSE.

I don't have much to add to what others have posted back to you, but I know you can rise from the despair that
you are now experiencing because I did and I was very messed up. Support groups were a key factor in my
recovery. I went to AA meetings and followed all of the suggestions. Did the 12 steps. I went every day for months, and
met some new friends who are still my friends six years later. I told them everything. They didn't judge me and found
my stories about what went on at RSE fascinating. They had so many questions for me. It proved to be great therapy,
plus I was able to stop drinking. I was at RSE during most of the wine ceremonies, and it awakened the alcoholic in me.

I'm really just writing to let you know that I care and understand what you are going through.

Also, having a dog or cat is the best. They are such loving companions.

Please take care of yourself and private message me or any of us at any time. We are here to help you and truly support


Re: I am embarrassed that I did it again.

Posted: Mon Mar 04, 2013 5:16 am
by heyV
I notice I haven't written for a few days. I seem to be taking longer and longer time between writing - I am *trying* very hard to get a life scraped together. I am a bit of a basket case- UNDERSTATEMENT!
and I know that most people have no clue what I am depressed from- I feel like an idiot and an alien. My head space when I am doing the most mundane things is odd- like I feel exposed and mentally naked when buying groceries and things like that.

I attempted to go on a *date* - it was just one of those things- you meet someone and they seem nice and go to coffee etc. and I caught myself telling them. I am not ashamed of it- but it must be really scary for "outsiders" because he pretty much cut me off and said he had to get up in the morning. Ugh!

Silly to think I could attempt any kind of intimate interaction two weeks out- but hey- I am searching for some comfort in any form that is available right now.
I must be depressed - because I am very tired all the time. I dont want to move or do anything.

I hope someday soon I will post some happy thoughts or outcomes that someone can see the progression. Right now I still feel on the bad side of things (I almost said still suicidal- but that kinda freaks people out- so I won't say that) but I am finding each day hard and reasons for continuing are hard to find for me right now.

I also am veunerable to anything that numbs the pain - like trying to date- Jeez- how embarrassing and how revealing that I am trying ANYTHING that makes me feel less desperate about life. :cry:
I haven't gone down the road of drugs/alcohol, but I could sure see how that is possible in this mental state.

I think above and beyond all things, right now I just need something to do and someone to love, simple to say but so difficult to make happen for me right now.

I realized a day or so ago that I have always waited for someone or something to rescue me- not in my day to day thinking perhaps, but that is definitely there - from a young age females are taught that prince charming will come and make it all better- and that all we have to be is the prettyist. No wonder women are so hung up on how they look- we all want to be picked for salvation from how much life hurts- look at cinderella before she got that gig with the prince and moved to the castle...magical thinking again...just rearing it's ugly head in a different way.

That is how I am feeling tonight after a woefully misguided attempt to have a date as a newly hatched ex-ramster. Oh! :oops:

Hanging tough- holding out for my brain to kick back on fully.

Re: I am embarrassed that I did it again.

Posted: Mon Mar 04, 2013 5:49 am
by journeythroughramthaland
Hi Hey V,

Welcome! I hear that you are "feeling" like an idiot, alien etc. However, try and remember that those are just how you are feeling. It doesn't make it you anymore then feeling like a God makes you one. It is ok to acknowledge that as long as you can acknowledge that feeling doesn't necessarily= being, ok?
I know I may have used this analogy before but I forget where on the site it is but perhaps it might aid you in gaining a different perspective.
Joining, wanting to be in, becoming a member of a group similar or identical to RSE does not require stupidity, a sense of abnormality or anything else dark and foreboding. I see it as just the opposite, one has an open mind, is idealistic, willing to make changes in the world and themselves etc. Problem is that when they set out on this journey, much like a trip in a car, maybe you had a map at first, somehow that gets blown out the window, you take a wrong turn because someone has turned a road sign to point in another direction then it was originally meant to point to, so, you go where the sign is pointing.

Why not, one has a reasonable expectation for the signs to be placed in the right places and point the way they say. (except on the Los Angeles freeways!) That you follow them is not any fault of yours, remember it is because someone tampered with it without your knowledge. Knowing one has lost their way can be a desolate and debilitating "Feeling", as you begin to get your bearings and see constant and stable signposts that you can trust it will get easier to move forward on your journey. All the best to you and don't forget to give your self the kudos you deserve for your courage and fortitude for coming this far.

Re: I am embarrassed that I did it again.

Posted: Mon Mar 04, 2013 8:07 am
by Sunshine
Hello HeyV,
I am always so glad to see your posts, your strength and courage is inspiring and motivating. Your writing about your recovery process as it pertains to your life, in intimate detail... Well, it is invaluable to my own process. THANK YOU, from the bottom of my heart, thank you for sharing yourself so openly and honestly.

With much love and respect,

Re: I am embarrassed that I did it again.

Posted: Mon Mar 04, 2013 12:06 pm
by Kelku
Hello HeyV,

beautiful honest sharing you do.

My recommendations ;-) :
Get a hundred more dates and always tell what moves you... A guy just disappearing after this is not worth your time and love anyway. :)
The realisations you have right now are surely worth the pain for they'll lead to healing.
Maybe you want to have a rescue plan for when you get overwhelmed by emotional turmoil- a list of telephone numbers of people and institutions you can call day & night.
You might think about seeking professional psychological help and getting on medication for a while.
And last, don't stop sharing what you go through.

Sending you much love and strength to adjust your crown. :D

Re: I am embarrassed that I did it again.

Posted: Tue Mar 05, 2013 4:13 am
by Tree

your going out on a date reminded me of me trying to get jobs after r$e (which I end up not being able to keep more than 2-3 months tops).
On my first couple of interviews, they would ask what I did at this JZK, Inc. I later just termed it "high end estate" because I then went on to explain that I was in the cult for 19 years, I worked there (try to explain THAT one! :shock: ). One day, this lady stopped me mid paragraph and said, "You might not want to bring this up in future interviews. But why did you?" "Well, I trusted you, and I just wanted you to know what you were getting."
So...People on the outside really don't understand.

In fact, the person whom I relocated to an apt with on the East Coast when I first got out and who had lived with me (which, having all the mental issues is quite the challenge to live with and understand), I called her about an episode I had last night. She sais, "Well, if my daughter had done that, I would have ripped her a new one." I was thinking, "omg. this is NOT the empathy I need right now!!."
So, even if they HAVE lived with you, they have NO CLUE what a person goes through mentally.

Keep on trekking.
Yes, I would say you are in a full depression. The body and brain will need LOTS and LOTS of rest. it's like being a former POW trapped in a cage for x amount of time; you just don't get over it overnight. You have been subjected to those wrong signs for a LONG time.
it is going to take a long time to re-adjust.

Just keep moving.
Eat. Sleep. Move (yoga, exercise, walk, etc).

I also had a rescue dog come to me right at about the time I exited out of rse.
I don't know who rescued who!! He was the greatest thing I could have asked for.!!!

My son is seriously telling me I should get one.

Well, here is to you being on your way to being well.


Re: I am embarrassed that I did it again.

Posted: Thu Mar 07, 2013 2:30 am
by HBfoster
Hi HeyV, I am so sorry things are hard at the moment. But hang in there. Things will get better if you give it some time.Tree gives a lot of good advice. Just wanted to add my voice to the people thinking of you.

By the way, as a general rule I wouldn't mention group experiences in the workplace or job interviews. If you can, describe what you did ( receptionist, gardener,organizer) without going too much into the religious aspect.

Yes; people are easily freaked out by it. Know another friend, raised in a different group,with a very successful professional career who said that in casual social discussions she had perfected the technique of nodding and smiling a lot.Less info gives people a chance to get to know who you are without them having a lot of preconceptions based on what they think they know of your background.
The other kind of info is often better just given to close friends and important relationships.
Again HeyV, wishing you well and hope things start to get a bit easier soon.

Re: I am embarrassed that I did it again.

Posted: Thu Mar 14, 2013 6:06 am
by Sunshine
Hi HeyV.. Just wanting to say hello and touch base with you. I hope you are doing well and that your recovery process is getting a little more manageable. You are in my thoughts often as we have all been through the r$e ringer (as my friend so eloquently puts it!)

Much love to you,

Re: I am embarrassed that I did it again.

Posted: Thu Mar 14, 2013 11:21 pm
by FreeNow
One thing that helped me was; every time any RSE related thought popped up, I trained myself to respond, "Don't care".

Re: I am embarrassed that I did it again.

Posted: Mon Mar 25, 2013 2:01 am
by heyV
Hi my friends, I got a couple of notes that made me realize I must be isolating real badly, so I thought I better bite the bullet and get something posted.
At the risk of sounding like a whiner, I am pretty severely depressed. I will write more when the horrible pressure on my heart and mind that makes me want to avoid eases a bit.
Thank you for all your many notes and for caring about me. I love you guys for that.

Re: I am embarrassed that I did it again.

Posted: Mon Mar 25, 2013 3:27 pm
by RoyGBiv
Hang in there! the crushing depression is part of the stripping away of the pseudopersonality imposed by the cult. Keep on challenging those thoughts, questioning those assumptions, and try not to be harsh with yourself. Get professional help if you need to, talk to other human beings, go for a walk, pet a cat.
We're all pulling for you!

Re: I am embarrassed that I did it again.

Posted: Sat Mar 30, 2013 1:08 am
by MydogPIB
:-) heyV,

I read your post on March 25. I check often, even daily, to see if you have been on the message
board or posted anything new. I am finally posting this today.

I have been trying to decide what to write to you. I take your depression totally seriously and I don't want to sound condescending. The best I can do for now is say I am sorry you are suffering so much
and I wish you weren't alone in St. Louis.

Your life will get better. Don't give up.

With much love,

Re: I am embarrassed that I did it again.

Posted: Sat Mar 30, 2013 2:29 am
by freemysoul
We are all here for you HeyV. Don't hesitate to post or contact people on the pm feature if you need to. There is always someone on that is willing to lend an ear or shoulder and getting the things that are depressing you out in the open is sometimes the best way to alleviate it.

Re: I am embarrassed that I did it again.

Posted: Sat Mar 30, 2013 7:21 pm
by Tree
hang in there and try to ride the waves of depression.

If I can do it, YOU can do it!!

it REALLY feels like the bottom of the pit....but hang on!

if you need to ,
see if you can't get some meds to help with the very worst times.

you just have to keep riding the waves until the waves settle down......

Re: I am embarrassed that I did it again.

Posted: Sun Mar 31, 2013 7:16 am
by Rooster
We are here for HeyV! I made it through, so can you! We have all stuggled and we will not allow you to be alone. Any time just contact us!!!!

Re: I am embarrassed that I did it again.

Posted: Mon Apr 01, 2013 6:41 am
by Sunshine
This too shal pass, you are absolutely not alone. Please keep reading here, educating yourself, keep posting and reaching out. Human connection with those who understand has been tremendously healing for me. Read and reach out to those who you relate the most to. Let us tell you about what has worked for us. If you think meds might help you, try them and talk to others who they have worked for. Continue to share with us, stay open to the healing that is here. Please don't lose hope, we are all living proof that hope is out there. It is alive and well and we are here to share ours with you.

Much love,

Re: I am embarrassed that I did it again.

Posted: Fri Apr 26, 2013 5:21 am
by heyV
Hi my friends,
I want to take a little time and let you all know how I am getting along.
For a little while I went into a bad depression. I was going from "being a god" to just being a little dot on a vast humanity- SO SO far to fall, I believe that depression was a normal response to what my brain had to cope with- so I didn't seek medical attention.

I did spend lots of time distracting myself- LOTs of TV, internet etc. anything that could take the place of thinking. And I spent time on here reading everything I could to help me understand WHY I would have chosen (again) a life path that was ultimately destructive.

I found a boyfriend for awhile- that was distracting- but with my mind being so %#$# it didn't last (poor guy!!) :oops: But just to let you know- it did NOT take an abusive event to end it- it just fizzled out with my rants and in-my-own-head crazyness. Jeez- that is embarrassing to admit- but I am a big girl and I own my own crazy- as we all should.

I am doing so much better, I think having the internet to read what others are going through and understanding that abuse is abuse no matter what form it takes is healing me. I did take some time off from this forum to get my head around what had happened- and I think that is part of the healing process too.

I did have something happen that went a long way to healing me too- my Mom is gonna allow me to go home to get it together- and the pressure and stress of trying to heal will be much less painful with her help- so that helped more then I can say. (thanks Mom) Not having to be alone anymore will go a long way to healing me.

So, for me, I think the crazy was OK- it was just part of the process of getting ME back- and I still have terrible pain- no denying that- but it is different now, a kind of acceptance has begun to seep in- and in moments of clarity I even think I can understand how and why the abusers do what they do (maybe that is sick- i don't know)

The biggest takeaway for me is to stop being afraid of own process- but to let it unfold naturally- my brain is capable of healing, just like any other organ. I have to let it re-wire I guess, and that takes time. I mean if a machine were trying to re-wire itself it would make some pretty weird connections before it got all of it's wires straightened out right? So when I live on cupcakes and dont leave my house for a week I must refuse to beat myself up- because those things are making me smile again and be able to get back to eating veggies and being around people.

(god I hope I'm not crazy- ha ha)

Much love.

Re: I am embarrassed that I did it again.

Posted: Fri Apr 26, 2013 5:45 am
by freemysoul
Hi HeyV,
Your post was the highlight of my day! I am so happy for you and inspired by you. The impact of your words in the days and years to come, read by people in the condition many of us found ourselves after rse, will impart hope and joy. This inspirational epiphany will mean the difference between someone beating themselves up repeatedly, to finding in your words, a rainbow connection, as my friend Kermit The Frog would say, for the lovers, the dreamers and me.
Thank you so much for sharing HeyV, and I look forward to hearing of the prosperity and love that you so rightly deserve.

Re: I am embarrassed that I did it again.

Posted: Fri Apr 26, 2013 5:56 am
by Shocked
Thank you HeyV very inspiring and helpful words!!

Re: I am embarrassed that I did it again.

Posted: Fri Apr 26, 2013 2:08 pm
by RoyGBiv
nice! good! hang in there HeyV

Re: I am embarrassed that I did it again.

Posted: Fri Apr 26, 2013 7:03 pm
by seriously
Hey, congrats HeyV. You're definitely turning a corner and making progress. Keep it up! It's all going to be OK.