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I was hooked

Posted: Wed Apr 03, 2013 2:21 am
by Shocked
It has taken me three months of reading this forum old and new forum, from top to bottom. I could not believe what I have been reading!!!!! I am in shock beyond words!!!! Like many I gave up everything to come to Yelm to be a student. I was introduced to the Ram by a friend, and once I read the White Book I just knew I had to come!!! I started in the school in 1991, (my mid 20's) traveled as much as I could back and forth from out of the country, and finally I just made the move in 1998.
I gave up everything because I believed the words of Ramtha, that I needed to be here to be safe, and by doing this I would be closer to my god. I started leaving my past behind once I started in the school, grew distant from friends, and then when I moved left my friends behind. I still stayed in contact with my family but not the way I wanted to, and I always felt I was not doing exactly what the Ram wanted me to do because I still had the very small family contact. I completely isolated myself and just became immersed in the teachings, listening to tapes night and day, reading everything suggested, going to every event possible!!! When I finally could not financially keep my head above water, basically, I knew I had to leave the school and try to find myself financially, when I left school I did not have two pennies to rub together!!!

During my time in the school I encountered very few nice people, including other students and staff, but I excused this by the believe these were my runners!!! And felt there was something wrong with me, it was my attitude!! I made a few friends and they were only friends when I was current in school and could help them make it to events, because I see now I was fresh blood to them with a small amount of money, and would help anybody!!! And to them they were manifesting their next event (right) and why would I worry about money, omega was going to pay and I focused on abundance, and by me making the move, I would be closer to my god. During my time hear in Yelm, I married another student, big mistake, a nightmare in itself but continued to believe it was my attitude, and not theirs, even though the wine ceremonies made him a screaming drunk!!! Drinking everyday!!! I left the school and I just believed that I had failed myself during the time at the school and felt I was not worthy of being the master!!! And the choices in my life may be a reflection of myself.
I left the school in 2003, with all intentions of returning at a time where I could once again afford to attend, without having to depend on anybody else because I have always been able to take care of myself. So instead of thinking I was manifesting the money when it was really coming from someone else, I decided to leave, with all intentions of returning to the school.
I could not find my way back home financially and ended up pursuing a career away from my home, the task has been long and demanding. I could not come to the fact of asking my family to help, since I was the one that drove the distance between us, even though they were only concerned!!! All on the advice of the Ram!!! During my time outside of the school I always tried to live by the teachings, except for being out in social consciousness!!! But I had to!!! Prior to starting in the school I was always very sociable and enjoyed life.
Once in the school and after my leaving the school, I begin to feel like a outcast, and the anxiety for me was overwhelming when I left the school and had to go out into the real world, a world I had known before the school, but could never figure out the anxiety I felt. I felt I had nothing in common with people and why would they have any interest in me. The anxiety and fear sometimes overwhelmed me, but could never really understand why...I had built up fear!!! Without realizing it all until now. Of course when I left the school my very small circle of friends, were no longer my friends, leaving me in Yelm, pretty much feeling isolated and alone with no one.
Fast forward to three months ago, I decide to pick up the nisqually newspaper and talk about runners, a paper I never read...controversy about JZ and your website was mentioned. Looked your website up and can not believe what I have been reading ever since. As I read, everything is becoming so clear to me, the unanswered questions I have had, why is there no wealth in the school, with the student body and only JZ. Why couldn't I see the UFO's? Did we really change that time line on that catastrophic event? Why couldn't I manifest the money for a event when I didn't have it? Where was my god? Why was my life doom and gloom the whole time during
my time at school? What was I doing wrong, I felt I was never worthy? I am so glad I found this website because truthfully, my intentions were to go back to the great school of wisdom and start again, and it was going to happen soon, until I came across that paper!!! Talk about a runner (sorry for the lingo). As I have read over the posts and spend a lot of time reading your forums, I have had a overwhelming about of anxiety, not being able to sleep and a lot of anger over the situation of the school and JZ.
I don't understand how anybody could do this, and then I think what if I am wrong and believing in the social consciousness. But something inside of me feels relieve that I wasn't the failure, and now I must get past all the guilt I am feeling over my time at the school, when I treated my family like they didn't matter, my mom who was sick and then passed during this time and my lack of my time with my mother when I knew she was ill, and me across border lines. At times reading the forum brings so much anxiety over me that I sit and cry. And wonder how stupid could I have been. Not realizing the inner circle, not ever questioning what the Ram was telling us, I just turned to my neighbor and explained with no thought in my mind about it!!! How stupid of me. Prior to the school I was naive about religion never had religion in my life growing up but always felt I wanted a spiritual connection or some sort of connection to god.
It was mentioned on the site about spiritual rape, and that is exactly what it is feeling like. I don’t understand how JZ can do this. I always wondered why she had so much in her life and everybody had nothing, I excused it by allowing her to have is because of the gift of knowledge she was bringing to me!!! I continue to go to sleep with my list in my head, I have had that same list since I started in the school, and I want it to go away, I am slowly cutting the list down. But as I do this the anxiety builds, never did I have anxiety, until the start of school and now I am a basket case.
HOW COULD THIS BE JZ, give it up you are hurting innocent people who believed in you!!! I am so shocked!!!

Re: I was hooked

Posted: Wed Apr 03, 2013 3:53 am
by RoyGBiv
My friend, you have come to the right place. I respect all the feelings you are experiencing right now, and want you to understand they are totally normal. Keep reading, stay, and get your mind back! It will feel at times like a huge struggle, but always remember it's only worst in the beginning; ride it out, keep talking and learning. You will heal.

Re: I was hooked

Posted: Wed Apr 03, 2013 4:55 am
by Sunshine
Welcome Shocked :) In reading your post I just wanted to reach through my computer and hug you! We are all so glad you found EMF! Some of the thoughts and feelings you described were identical to my own. I have said this many times so I hope no ones getting tired of hearing it from me but it is my sincere belief that we are all survivors of the JZR nightmare and we are here to welcome those who may need our support in re-entering the "real world". It is a process and we all do it a little differently but no one understands our plight like those here and that understanding has been monumental to my own healing process as I'm sure it is yours. So again, a huge warm welcome to you! This is just simply inspiring to me.. Thank you Shocked!

Much love and hugs to you,

Re: I was hooked

Posted: Wed Apr 03, 2013 5:27 am
by Rooster
We feel you, Shocked as we have been there. Welcome to getting your life back! So happy you are here! Your post is wonderful and true to the experiences of past rse students. Welcome back to living! :D

Re: I was hooked

Posted: Wed Apr 03, 2013 6:40 am
by Tree
Thank you for having the courage to post Shocked.
- moderator edit -
Dear Tree thank you for your post.
Until further notice, several paragraphs from your post regarding EE have moved to our moderators forum for consideration of permanent removal.
Only read as much as you can at first here.
It will be totally overwhelming at times.
Make sure you keep grounded. Walk. Talk to a pet. Touch the ground. Do some yoga or zumba.
This will help keep your body and brain grounded and start to re-wire.
This re-wiring is a very difficult task.
The emotions that come along with that are also INCREDIBLY overwhelming ; sometimes, not even tolerable!!

Read what you are able in chunks. Your concentration might be short.
Make sure you eat well.
Make sure you TRY to sleep well.
The List will go away eventually.

I am SOOOO glad you found your way here!

You may want to write a letter to the NVN (kinda keep it semi-short-ish...couple paragraphs)
to let them know how valuable they have been in your recent discovery.

My anxiety, when I first got out was off the charts.
See if you can't get any help for that - meds, or therapy, whatever it takes to help get you through.
You can always change it up later.
Your brain right now is totally altered.
Think POW in isolation for several years.
It will take a while to re-adjust.


And big hugs to you!!!


Re: I was hooked

Posted: Wed Apr 03, 2013 7:00 am
by Tree

Make sure to communicate and be upfront with your family.
Their understanding will just floor you!!

My sister had lived right down the street from the main Scientology building in FL when I came out of RSE in Yelm.
when I had finally contacted her after 14 years,
she (as well as the rest of the family) was SOOO concerned about my health and safety.

My sister has definitely been here for me since getting out even though I was a complete
ignorant, self-righteous ass to them for so long (thanks to the teachings that we were to put our past behind us!)
and we were to move ahead as the chosen few.

Keep them up-to-date . They will really want to know!!
They love matter what you have been through.

They may not understand, entirely,
but they love you :-)

Re: I was hooked

Posted: Wed Apr 03, 2013 7:42 am
by freemysoul
Hello Shocked and a warm welcome. :-)
Thank you for sharing your powerful and heartbreaking experience. What everyone has said is right on the money. I am reminded every time I read a post such as yours of the same exact sense of shock,, surprise, anger, sadness and guilt I went through, and still do, though much less frequently today, three years after leaving rse. This is definitely a process and EMF is full of people who are at all different stages of recovery from jz knights nightmare, so there is a wealth of helpful information and advice shared by people who lovingly and compassionately give of themselves. Feel free to ask anything you need or may be experiencing, as I am sure that someone here has experienced it and knows how to deal with it in a healthy way.
Coming out of the umbrella of dysfunction and selfishness that rse fosters, to the environment of love, compassion and concern here at EMF, was like finding an oasis in the desert for me, and I know you will find the same.
Again Shocked, welcome, and please make yourself at home,

Re: I was hooked

Posted: Wed Apr 03, 2013 5:27 pm
by Spud
Dear Shocked Welcome to your new life, the birthing process is painful and mind altering as all births are. I just try to stay in the present moment as much as I can Our programming at R$E is long and deep and when things trigger me I find something really mundane to do. At bed time the list is always there for me but I have been dropping about one statement a week after I think about what I am saying I go no way I am not going there. I am basically down to one that isn't on the list. I think it is the 13 psalm. And yay though I walk through the valley of the shadow death I will fear no evil and from then on its my own personal prayer that takes me into sleep and if I cant sleep I say that's fine I will be still and listen to my soul. None of this leaving school bothered me until I stopped doing the list so I expect there is some hypnotic suggestion attached to the list. You are finally safe and if you got through the tank and field you can get through this too. I am rooting for you we all are with great unconditional love!!!!

Re: I was hooked

Posted: Thu Apr 04, 2013 12:55 am
by Shocked
Thank you all for your support and it is very overwhelming!!! Everybody thank you for your advise, unfortunately Tree when I found this forum I could not stop reading, until I read every post!!! You are right it was extremely overwhelming but I just had to know..I spent many many hours reading every post, there hasn't been a post I have not read, or at least I think there isn't. Very overwhelming, heartbreaking to me, I gave everything I could to that school until I couldn't give anymore, and feeling like a failure. I have reconnected back with my family the way I would like to, and will proceed to tell them about what I thought was my spiritual journey. The guilt I have felt over my mother has always layed heavy on me, but now that I discovered this all, it is eating me up, I was not at her bedside because of somebodies lie. I find it extremely difficult to wrap my mind around how somebody, can do this. As for her inner circle it is unbelievable that they may all know and continue the lies. One ex teacher in particular, I see this individual on a professional level, and find it very dishearting!!! Greed is one thing but this all goes beyond cruel!!!

Re: I was hooked

Posted: Thu Apr 04, 2013 10:39 pm
by Tree

Yes...the aftereffects are BEYOND cruel.
I would never, ever wish, what I have been through since my exit (6 years now a couple of days ago) on ANYBODY!!

3 months after I was out, I saw an ant in my sink.
I did not know it at the time, but it caused what I now know as an anxiety attack of such HUGE proportions, I was numb for days.
That little ant brought up every single teaching of the Days to Come.

Common people must have thought I was mad.
To go nuts over an ant!!

Same thing with the blowing of the wind a short time later.
I went absolutely beserk.
I had to call a friend from the 'regular' world to tell me, scientifically, what the wind really was.
I will never forget it.
It was a 20 minute conversation of explaining what the wind REALLY was....and not the all knowing ramtha spying on me!!


I read nearly every possible thing on cults that I could.
Rick Ross' site.
The ex-Scientologist's site.

I WOULD recommend Dr. Marsha Linehan's book: ... ha+linehan

even though the original title is in regards to treating borderlines,
DBT therapy is now very commonly used for PTSD and all things trauma related now in current practices. ... ...

check out these videos.
IMO, these are the absolute best out there!!

Madleine Tobias is one of the foremost authorities on cults (along with Janja Lilich and Joe Sz)

I wish you well on your path of discovery, learning and coping.



Re: I was hooked

Posted: Thu Apr 04, 2013 10:46 pm
by Tree
you can also check the original EMF board: ... 54&msgid=0

and the thread: To All Prospective Students: ... 8&cmd=show

Re: I was hooked

Posted: Fri Apr 05, 2013 2:52 am
by Shocked
Thank you Tree, I will be searching out your recommendations, I have already viewed the video of Joe Sz and read some info on the internet from him. Yes as for the old forums on bravenet...I have read them from top to bottom, bottom to top..LOL... (at times I do have a sense of humor ) oh yes the good old wind...I have to laugh at how I believed it was Ramtha...I have layed in my bed many nights, heard the wind and would say...ramtha is in town....And what is even funnier (at tiimes laughter with alot of tears) is when I was reading over the forums, at what we were told...I can't believe I actually bought into it, but I guess when you are in the middle of fear, chaos and whatever spell she placed upon me!!! It all sounds so foolish (sorry I don't want to offend anybody, because I know how all are feeling over this). I am so happy I have been awakened by this forum. My heart goes out to all still stuck in the web of lies, the money that is being spend to go to events, UG, food storage. When I read family members who speak of there elderly parents who probably live on nothing to begin with, giving there money to JZ. Talk about ripping off the elderly, yikes!!! I would think a master or a god, would want to help there people, what has she really done financially to help her students, gifted events, so what!!! It is all for financial gain, very calculated, give a free event here and there they will be back for more!!!! A investment into her future....Many Many of her students live in proverty! Yes I know these comments have been posted many times over and over on this forum. The simple answer is there is no Ramtha, that is the truth. However it is still very hard to believe the harsh reality of it all.

Re: I was hooked

Posted: Fri Apr 05, 2013 8:33 am
by Tree
Hello my surviving Shocked :D ... ... =endscreen

Hoping you have walked some today.
Made a very long meal and drank some tea of coffee whilst listening to the birds and squirrels.

Another idea while processing out (this could takes weeks, or months, or in my short bus case, years!) to keep a journal.

I am thinking of you every night.

Love and blessings as well as hugs :)


Re: I was hooked

Posted: Sat Apr 06, 2013 3:12 am
by Shocked
Thank you for thinking about me tree, I greatly appreciate it. Today I worked and because we have been so busy, haven't had a lot of time to think about anything outside of my job. But I am off for the weekend, and I am just going to do some reading suggested to me and continue to move forward, and start finding some peace in this all!!!

Re: I was hooked

Posted: Thu Apr 11, 2013 5:23 am
by joe sz
Hi Shocked.
I've read all your posts.

I used to communicate with Jan Groenveld [when she was alive] who started Cult Aware in Australia. Some of you have seen this I think, but it is a good outline by Jan for structuring a recovery from cult harm.

Good book....The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse....even though this is mainly for ex-members of Bible cults, there are a lot of parallels to New Age cults like RSE. ... ualab0c-20

best wishes

Re: I was hooked

Posted: Fri Apr 12, 2013 2:03 am
by Shocked
Thank you Joe I will look into both of your suggestions!!! grrrr (that is me growling) today I feel pretty angry, on all the wonderful things I could of done with the money spend for the so called teachings. Yep feeling angry, and I am allowed that emotion!!! Hope JZ is enjoying my hard earned money and what would have been my retirement. Pay back is a B----, I do believe in karma!

Re: I was hooked

Posted: Fri Apr 12, 2013 4:43 am
by Sunshine
Yes, thank you Joe.. That first link really surprised me! I am the "walk out"!!! That described me to a TEE. I don't know that I have "shed the mind control" and my life has been exactly as described. I'm learning so much here, thank you:)
Hello Shocked, so glad to read your posts and happy to know you are here. All I could think when reading your last post was, and I'm probably talking more at myself than anything else but... I just kept thinking: It is a PROOOOOOOOOOOOOCCEESSSSSSSS....... I always have to remind myself of this and some wise advice that was given to me, which was... be kind to yourself! I have found that piece of advice to be the most helpful for me as I can be merciless to myself. Being kind to myself has been like a new way of life for me, when all is said and done, when the day is over and I'm left with myself.. I just try to love myself and be kind to me. I am and we are SURVIVORS :) That is a beautiful thing!

Re: I was hooked

Posted: Sat Apr 13, 2013 1:56 am
by Shocked
Thank you Sunshine for the great advice, I have started to be kind to myself and I am learning it is a process. I am really thankful I have finally seen the truth!!! Your words are very inspiring....thank you!!!

Re: I was hooked

Posted: Sat Apr 13, 2013 1:04 pm
by joe sz
think about doing small selfless things for helps reverse all the "love myself" bs RSE instilled...
I know when i left CUT in 1980, some of the most healing things I did when possible were simple even anonymous acts of assistance or kindness..on the job or off

Re: I was hooked

Posted: Mon Apr 15, 2013 5:34 pm
by FreeNow
I agree Joe. It helps a great deal to be kind to others. In doing so we are being kind to ourselves.

Re: I was hooked

Posted: Mon Apr 15, 2013 6:03 pm
by Cheryl
I agree, kindness helps heaps. It helps to heal the distrust. It helps to heal the schisms in our interpersonal skills (a rift that I think was created with the whole 'you created it' thing.) and kindness starts to put the normalcy back in life.

Re: I was hooked

Posted: Tue Apr 16, 2013 12:56 am
by Cedar
Thank you for your story Shocked... It speaks to the value of a subject like this being in the news.. More people hear about all the controversy... And start digging. Having personal stories in the NVN is a great thing for the locals of Yelm to read.. And I sure would love to be a fly on the wall when Judith reads such a paper!

I too was in a similar situation about a year ago... Going to invite my boyfriend... Even after I watched that 17 hour fiasco where JZ peed herself on stage. I think I thought... Well there are some things good there.... If one can just ignore JZ Knight.

It was reading a few exit stories that made my mind up... That even though sometimes... Some good experiences can be found at RSE.... On the whole it is too damaging to continue to financially support it in any way... As I see it now... Financially supporting RSE is akin to enabling a sociopath continue their path of destruction.

Speaking of media attention, someday I would love to see a documentary about RSE...
From perspective of exit stories...

Re: I was hooked

Posted: Tue Apr 16, 2013 2:03 am
by Sunshine
I completely agree Joe. Helping others is an incredible way to heal. When I was referring to being kind to myself it was not in the "love thyself" kind of way r$e teaches. Personally, I have a lot of negative (it's getting much, much better) self talk in my head and I can be down right cruel to myself at times. I have found that exercising compassion for myself can transmit in a big way to my fellow human being. And interestingly and perhaps paradoxically, helping others, especially in anonymous ways, helps teach me compassion, kindness and love for myself. It serves to get me out of my self loathing and self hatred, it allows me to feel good about my actions, which in turn helps me be kinder to me which creates a cyclical effect.. Kindness to myself spreads out to those around me and being kind to those around me in turn spreads to me.

Re: I was hooked

Posted: Tue Apr 16, 2013 2:59 am
by Cedar
On the subject of compassion, it was so noticeable that as a spiritual path RSE did not promote much charitable work.... Volunteering in Africa.... Helping raise literacy in needed areas... All that kind of thing. Many churches do it in various forms... It just seemed RSE promoted a Me First philosophy....from the group leader on down.

It seems to me that a spiritual path should include kindness and compassion... Helping others... Somehow promoted within the group.

Instead, at RSE... One just learns the latest doomsday prediction... Ad infinitum....And about JZ's personal life... And... Yawn....Much more of JZ's ego....

Re: I was hooked

Posted: Tue Apr 16, 2013 5:58 am
by Tree
Speaking of media attention, someday I would love to see a documentary about RSE...
The French Documentary was VERY good until jz had it pulled. (Le fin du monde)
produced in 2012

There is one documentary that Showtime owns of an ex RSE student.
It cannot be shown until all the legal matters have been cleared.

-Moderator Comment-
RSE TF1 Fin du monde en 2012 Enquête sur Le business de l'Apocalypse.flv
Removed by YouTube due to a copyright complaint from unknown source)

Re: I was hooked

Posted: Wed Apr 17, 2013 2:52 am
by Shocked
Cedar I totally agree with your comment on how RSE never promoted charitable work!!!! What a concept, it is something I have always wanted to do, and I know will do in the future. You are absolutely correct it was all about should I say JZ.

Re: I was hooked

Posted: Sun Apr 21, 2013 1:06 am
by Tree
just checking in Shocked and hope you are doing well in your recovery.

I am glad you have found the resources and and solace here :-)

Re: I was hooked

Posted: Sun Apr 21, 2013 1:46 am
by Shocked
Thank you Tree for checking in, life is not to bad. I guess of course there are times I continue to doubt myself about not going back to the school, even though I have the experienced the teachings, and the proof is pretty much right in front of my face. For the most part as I stated in my very first post not alot of support from my fellow students at school and the staff at the school I found to be rude. And then to top it all off reading this forum to find out there is a inner circle and reading other's stories of their experiences pretty hard breaking to me. Hurts my heart, for all to be taken advantage of. I was very naive spiritually, and always saw the good instead of the bad. Trying to move along, I have ordered a book suggested by many including you on this forum, so I am just waiting for it to appear in my mail box. It is interesting though the emotions you feel through this all. It is interesting though as I am taking a trip via flying something I did very frequently prior to RSE, and never felt one bit of anxiety over this. And here I go, anxiety, at one time we were told not to travel and I didn't for many many years. Another thing I enjoyed very much was to be out in my yard at this time of year, digging in the dirt planting and getting ready for the summer, this is where I would do my list and felt it was a time I had with the teachings and feeling the wind blowing thinking it was you know who. I have found it very difficult to motivate myself to do it. Everybody has been very supportive here and it gives me the opportunity to speak my experiences which helps to recover from them. How are you doing?

Re: I was hooked

Posted: Sun Apr 21, 2013 4:23 am
by Tree
oooooh! I so feel for you with the planting and the wind blowing.

-one time, someone told me, "Do it anyway!!"
-another person said, "Take your time. Do it when you are able."

I am always amazed at the approaches that are suggested. I am of the "take your time " variety.

There are some things I just can't do yet. Like Christmas. It has taken 5 years now and it is still difficult sometimes.

Then you will be sailing along, thinking, "gee! I am feeling terrific!" And them something comes at you out of the blue (no pun) and hits you like a 2 x 4.

There is an excellent book called, "I Can't Get Over it." ... et+over+it

Sometimes, I would just like to give a copy to the person who sais, "DO it anyway!" because they don't always understand where a person is at.
I gave mine away to a lady who had experienced a terrible house fire and didn't understand what was happening to her.

I usually come on EMF to try to assist the freshly out new ones, as we all know what that feels like. I personally just feel that NO ONE should ever have to
go through that process of exiting as it is extremely trying.
So I rarely post otherwise.
But this past week was a bizarre exception which left me pretty drained.
Sleep, good food and exercise , in more doses always helps :-)
Maybe change the ringtone to Kumbaya or something, especially with the Boston Marathon bombings.
(my son is an ultra runner, so it was particularly disturbing since my new home after Yelm was only 30 minutes from Boston).

The New Englanders are a VERY hearty lot.
It was good to see them cheering on the police as they left Watertown.

Much the scene that I pray for when some blonde gets taken down.

Happy Spring! :-)

Re: I was hooked

Posted: Sun Apr 21, 2013 4:26 am
by Tree
oh....and Shocked.

I think of you every night.

I hope all is well every day for you.

Re: I was hooked

Posted: Sun Apr 21, 2013 5:34 am
by Shocked
Thank you Tree, I did not realize you were so close to the bombings, very heartbreaking what has happened, it is really a different world that we live in, my thoughts and prayers are always with people during tragic times. To bad someone didn't tell us that was coming, right, could of spared alot of heartache for humanity, right.

Re: I was hooked

Posted: Sun Apr 21, 2013 5:51 am
by Tree
not so close now to the area.

But several months last year as well.

I just find it fathomless how a 19 yr old can plant a bomb one Monday morning - that is SOOOOO important to Bostonians and New Englanders -
Patriots Day- and then go to classes and party like nothing every happened for a few days until they hide under a tarped boat. :shock:

There is all kinds of twisted on this planet.