this is my first post....
People close to me know that I stepped out of the club but I have not yet spoken out in public.
And because EMF is under constant observation by JZ's pawns, clicking the 'submit' button for this post will be like sending my official cancellation to RSE.
The months past, each day was a catharsis and a preparation for this step I have to take now and it feels like a sealing.
What I have experienced in 10 years at rse matches many stories shared on this forum and I cannot reveal any big secrets although for 6 long years I worked for them.
I joined school in 2002, my husband followed in 2003. My marriage broke exactly the moment I started with rse.
My events I did in Europe.
Only one time, in 2005, I travelled to Yelm for a Primary.
I was not too impressed, neither by Yelm or the ranch, nor by the teachings anymore. I had gained the impression that it was all repetitious and was ready to quit or at least take a break.
The same year I was asked to do translations.
Back then I still liked what I learned a lot and didn't realize RSE to be a dangerous cult in any way. The 'Ramtha-character' was real to me.
I agreed, happy to have a new adventure in my life and I really enjoyed the challenge during the first years.
I was just busy being a good translator, creating my very own 'rse bubble'.
I was not a fanatic and the most lazy person when it came to doing the disciplines. All this I've done fervently in my first 3 years at school when I happily displayed some fanatism which wore off quickly though.
So since 2006 I accumulated about 35-60 'event days' per year.
I was getting constantly bombarded with JZ's "wisdom" but to give a 'good' interpretation I had to listen very closely. Needless to say that I couldn't find the depths I always attributed to the teachings before and I detected more and more contradictions and discrepancies or simply.... no sense, ....wrapped and disguised in distorted, overlong sentences and I tried to find a meaning in them.
The past 3 years I started to struggle with almost everything related to RSE, the pressure of the doomsday teachings being a big part of that. My whole life got absorbed by the impending apocalypse, preparing for it and translating. My kids lost even more of life's fun factor than before and the stress and the depletion of our financial ressources grew immensely.
I think the live steamings were the last straw to break the camel's back, having normally been exposed to the edited, 'clean'versions, be it the videos on world-tour events or the other teachings I worked on.
I've translated JZ live in Europe quite often but haven't been exposed to this unedited 'Yelm style' to such an extent before.
I think these live streamings are really a bad idea for RSE (which maybe makes them a good idea for the rest of the world ).
They totally ignore that the whole setting and atmossphere are just not transferable via Computer and the whole act not only loses attraction but also displays the ridiculousness much more blatantly.
The wine drinking (ceremonies) increased once again and by now I really hate wine consumed in these settings.... so sitting for 6, 7, 10 or even 17 hours on the couch at home in front of a little screen being totally sober because naturally you don't feel like wine at 6 am, puts things pretty much into perspective.
The whole last year I stayed sober while working... that was another eye opener.
..... hours and hours of drunken rants, the wildest historical and political views or 'channel' stories that didn't display any 'enlightenment'.
I really suffered ... and still went on.
A rse translator often works for abnormally long hours. This was initially something I was proud to be able of despite of my body telling me it was wrong.
One night during an event in Italy there was a live streaming from Yelm ....at some point 'JZR' was badly drunk and ranted on forever. It went on the whole night until morning, most people had already left or were asleep on the floor or simply fainted.
I felt like dying. Most staff members and teachers had already gone to sleep as well. I felt so exhausted and drained, I have never been that exhausted in my whole life... and angry and disgusted and desperate, I just wanted it to end.
I felt abused (1st time in full realisation) because I had to go on for those few people still awake.
I would love to be able to say that in this situation I got up, said good-bye and turned off the mic... but I didn't.
My degree of embarrassment after this was extremly high and I felt very uncomfortable with everything I was doing and also what was done to me.
In the beginning there were many things that made translating attractive to me:
1. I love it. It's a talent I didn't know to have
2. It brought me closer to the 'inner circle' which obviously pleased my ego
3. Other students treated me as being special or at least I was very respected by people. This as well flattered my ego.
4. It was a nice distraction of my daily life for a while
5. I made some money with something I loved doing.
Financially I became depending on RSE because that much of travelling each year wouldn't have been possible with a normal job at home so I kept my work at home low for all these years.
Some time beginning of this year, RSE decided not to travel in 2012... with this my income was gone … and freedom came closer.
I didn't register for one of the spring events, I just couldn't... I realised that there was no way back for me to my little personal 'rse bubble'.
I dealt with feelings of guilt and fear..... at the same time I was relieved that all these requirements turned up that I was unwilling to fulfill.
I know it was just the right time for all this to happen since my conscience was pressing me in an ever-growing way.
Everybody with eyes to see could read my face during the last events.
Since a few months I am busy re-evaluating everything in my life.
I still wait for the opportunity to upgrade my job to balance the financial gap.
I read a lot on EMF and many books and information on mind control and cults.
Many years ago I already had a look at EMF, but at that time I was still deeply involved with RSE so I dismissed it as a place where victims are sharing their self inflicted pain (what a typical arrogant reaction).
In the process of breaking-free from rse, this forum of like-minded people has been of great help in increasing my understanding and it conveys comfort when I feel sad or angry or alone.
The way I feel now is a bit like free floating without the former reference-frame.
I find myself doubting everything and there are days when I just feel vulnerable and confused.
Other days I find myself cheering at the realisation that I don't know very much and there is simply the feeling of a huge, gigantic relief.... ...everything suddenly becomes so much lighter.
I also realise how hard it is to talk about these things in public. This is one of the reasons I join this forum.
It's difficult for everybody and some find the courage anyway... unfortunately there are not many former staff members here speaking out.
I myself saw people leave, never uttering a word about why they left.
I could have chosen to do the same and I admit, I thought about for a long time now. It seems to be the easier, less troublesome way BUT I and everybody who works for rse supports the system in one way or the other.
In this forum sometimes the opinion is advanced that staff members are kinda coldhearted, ruthless people on a power trip that treat students badly and don't show any backbone because they depend on rse for their income.
All this can be found amongst the staff-crew, I know, but you also find people like me who did their job far away from Yelm with a different outlook on things.... trapped in their own little RSE-bubble.... and I am sure there are more like me, feeling bad about their contribution.
For ten years of my life I experienced a system of manipulation, coercive persuasion, mental and physical abuse, distortion of science and simply ego based excesses. For 6 years I was able to take a bit of a closer look.
When there is only one person that gets inspired by what I have to say, to not join rse or to leave it, I will just be glad.
I just woke up to see that I died to real life while being at rse --- so much I missed, so much I spoiled and destroyed and so much people I inspired with my work to listen even more to scamtha's teachings....
I feel that I have to make up for something.... pretty humbling after having been told for many years that my work will help to change the world for the better.
Now I write to at least add my share....
I guess anyone who realises a destructive, abusing institution should speak out, so the fear to do so diminishes.
I really didn't know where to start and of course this post doesn't go into much depth, but this is what I feel to be able coming forward with at this point and so I do.
My apologize for any misspelling or grammatical error, english is not my motherlanguage.
I want to thank the moderators of this forum for the work you have done all these years to provide a platform for those who leave RSE behind or suffer from RSE triggered conditions.
Thank you, David, for your great support in the last 2 weeks and the nice talks.
Thanks to Virginia who inspired me and gave me courage by stepping out in telling her story and who supported me.
Thanks to a friend, a former staff member, who also supported me in getting this done.
And also thanks to the people here that share their most personal stories despite the fear and the shame.
I am so happy that you have made the choice to leave RSE and to take back your life. No doubt that the choice was a difficult one; especially having had staff ties to RSE, which is a lot more than some of us had experienced. Similarly there will be some difficult times ahead but over all the benefits of the choice will out shine those periods. We are here to help where we can, which often means just to be there as an understanding group to share your experiences with.
Translating, especially of late must have also been very diffficult, for as you said, you had to really listen to every word so that you could express it in another language. So you actually got exposed three times to what was being promoted. First through hearing it, second through analysis and third through expressing it. Be happy that through all that you have experienced and heard through RSE, your ability to question remained intact; despite the objections that may have been coming from an intentionally manipulated ego.
Thank you for sharing your perspective from the side of both being on staff and the RSE on tour. Already I know that it will be helpful to many who have made the choice that you have or are contemplating it.
You are not alone. EMF members are here to support you.
With love, Kesnho
Booker T. Washington
I posted just a few hours ago and I still have shaky legs.
There are still many people at rse that became dear to me over the years and this seems to be such a complete cut.
But if they should chose to avoid me from now on (a lot already do), I am willing to pay the price.
In my tension I also forgot to express my thanks to Joe Szimhart who was actually the first person I dared to contact. asking questions about the 'Confidentiality Agreement' RSE made me sign.
AND... my experience so far...
I am still alive, I did not get struck by any lightning,... to the contrary, after some hail ( a little cleanse?) the sun came out....
Hey, those shaky legs may be a good sign because as shaky as you may perceive them to be, they are your own and you are standing on them without the crutches of RSE. I admire your courage for I know that the first few steps are some of the hardest ones you might make. Rest often and be kind to yourself for you have found your way out of an apparently bottomless and hellish 'rabbit hole' into a whole new world of increased awareness.
Some people who were friends at RSE may choose to shun you but others will look to you for support as they make their own way back to reality. I still find that speaking with these friends often serves to reveal some of the RSE indoctrination that still lingers in the background of my mind. This some 4 years later. It is an ongoing process but more and more the appreciation of life beyond RSE shines brighter.
Joe is truly a wonderful source of support and information and along with you I thank him for being here with us. He leads us to ask the questions that we ourselves often do not or can not on our own; and that is something to really be treasured. Just recently he offered the PDF of "400 Years of Invisible Friends" as part of a solution to an issue that I had asked him for help with. Reading it has encouraged me to share more of my RSE experiences on EMF so that others might benefit. Strange thing is, I perceive that by writing about these experiences, that I am the one to benefit the most.
With love, Kensho
Booker T. Washington
I am so glad you posted!!! The more you feel free to speak the stranger things will get. I had friends contact me that had realized her as a fraud and kept quite because they still socialize with the community. These were people that used to sit up at the big house. I was very surprised. People will reach out to you to be able to finally share things they can't share with current Ramtha followers. The only one who needs to be afraid right now is JZ. The steamroller of truth is coming down on her and she can't do a thing about it. Ramtha predicts everything from volcanos to earthquakes to economic collapse (every economist with a brain has predicted that) and true the Earth is going through some activity as it has cycles and always has- but funny, never a mention of fukishima one of the worst disasters in history..I guess he tried to take credit for that one after the fact with the "aliens are cleaning it up" whew..thanks Ram and greenies. It is just crazy. We all bought it for awhile. The early teachings were lovely. Now as she becomes more desperate, predicitons not being realized, oh my heck lets start beating up the students because Ram couldn't get it right. Great distraction. Wag the dog JZ wag the dog. So, I will make my own predicitons: There will be Earthquakes sometimes and some will be bad, there will be more economic decay, there will be Twinkies flying off the shelves at the Yelm Safeway (if you have never been at RSE not worth explaining), but you don't have to pay me. I give you all those predicitions for free because that is what they are worth. My predicitons are already more accurate than Rams. Why pay to go there? I know, I know they can't ascend without Ram and his teachings. How has that been working for them? I know we have all had those times when we can remote view etc...do they seriously think RAM is the one who taugtt that? We have all had phenomenon in our lives and probably a lot at the ranch where we were removed from the day to day routine but so what? that makes JZ legit? She is not a split personality she is a fraud. We have read the passages from the books that JZ stole from, in some cases verbatim. The books we can afford of course. We believe she bought the "dark Lord" book for close to seven figures. (inside source, no evidence) It was worth it, it gave Ram his new name. Right after she bought it he/she became the dark lord or some b.s.
Anyway, thank you very much for being so brave. When you start just opening up you realize even the strange sort of fear was all part of the programming. Remember there are 7 billion people on the planet who have never heard of judy or rambles. This just seems big to us because it is our community. This women is a nobody to the rest of the world. She is even a joke to MOST of the people in her own town. So shake off that feeling that you are doing something awful for telling the truth...and be proud to be free and look out at a whole new world of possibilities. :)
'400 Years of Imaginary Friends' by Kenneth Paolini and Talita Paolini (I wrote the forward to it) has been a good resource for many exiting RSE and similar groups.
email me if anyone wants a copy...
It took the Paolinis ten years of recovery and research before they began writing this.
The embarrassment of self-exposure is a prime reason why most people will not speak out, but just as powerful is the confusion one feels about what is real after breaking away. It is hard to speak out when concepts are not clear and with lingering 'phobias' about some kind of metaphysical or psychic retribution, not to mention the possibility of a more real attack that usually includes character assassination and potentila litigation from said cult.
In my case, a burning overuled my phobias very quickly, but I know what it feels like to fear the inevitable punishment for turning against the gods that can loose thunder, lightning, plague, and insanity.
as i mentioned before, The Paolinis were in CUT for 10 years, both quite young when they got in, Talita being a child of parents who were in it, Kenneth who rose to 'chief security officer' who had a license to carry a weapon and access to the very intimate aspects although he was not part of the cynical inner-inner circle that surrounded the guru, Eliz. Prophet.
In most cults like CUT, there are only a few truly cynical sub-leaders that will compromise integrity for power to be around the guru--these few help the guru maintain the double standard and excuses that only the enlightened can use.
iow, "I AM" enlightened, therefore "I AM" entitled to lie, abuse, break rules of conduct, and act like an ass because "I AM" a teacher and I "must" use anything I can to get 'you' to get IT.
iow, ends justifies the means
this pseudo-tradition of crazy wisdom teaching has been around: Adi Da and many fake Zen teachers are examples. It is based on military training from ancient times which aims to break one down as a new recruit to build one up as a true soldier that ceases to question orders for a Higher Cause.
Now, there is something noble about a 'true believer' but only IF the situation is a good cause, worthy of such self-sacrifice and personal degradation.
But there is something more noble about a person who 'breaks faith' to expose a false cause
I became aware of this strange fear of speaking out as being part of the manipulation.
If it is an aquired, irrational fear based on a high pressure system, trying to undermine any attempts from the person to leave - a bit like a security back-up program that starts running when ideas of breaking-free are knocking at the doors of the lulled mind - then reconditioning must be possible as well.
I had a pretty unsettled night after realizing that I have been identified as the author straight away.... but I didn't create much mystery around my story by purpose and like in your case, Joe, there is 'a burning '.
Don't worry after you see how many people come out to thank you and how many people contact you to tell you they are out you will know you have made a great decision.
that book, 400 years of Imaginary Friends has been out of print for 8 years or more. the authors gave me permission to distribute it to individuals who ask me for it
please send me your email so I can forward it
no charge--but you can do someone else a favor sometime!
email to: firstname.lastname@example.org
- David McCarthy
- Site Admin
- Posts: 2596
- Joined: Sun Jan 06, 2008 1:09 am
- Location: New Zealand
Dear Kelku..here I am at last,
Just a few words to share to add to your wonderful thread.
Rest assured I have been reading all your postings and response from our fellow EMF members 'thank you everyone' ..with great interest and appreciation.
If there was such a thing as 'Breaking the fear barrier'.....
I am sure JZR and handlers cringed when they heard the sonic boom of your breaking free of RSE.
And...I /we" do appreciate your speaking-up for those RSE staff members who are not remotely responsible for the rotten inner core of Judith's RSE hive.
They are doubly stung to have gone the extra mile of trust and dedication now ensnared by a counterfeit enlightened teacher and school.
To extricate oneself out of that level of brainwashed immersion is rare for former staffers.
Those staffers who contacted me directly there still remained that insidious and irrational fear holding them hostage to RSE as they looked over their shoulder at invisible phantoms
But you have faced this fear and now are reaching out to help stop other innocent lives from falling into the same RSE quagmire while shining the light of truth for others to find their path to freedom from RSE.. I cannot fully express my gratitude to you Kelku.
I have very much enjoyed our Skype conversations...
It seems to me that when viewpoints and understandings' are freely shared... it dissipates the RSE fear and fog much like a beautiful sunrise in NZ.
A big welcome from all of us at EMF,
Slandering has not occured yet and the tension is fading. It seems to work, putting the irrational fears to the test.
Greg S. once called me a 'straight shooter' which I interpret as someone not stabbing others in their back but prefers open confrontation.
I remember I liked it to be called like this, but only now it might really apply.
"A real decision is measured by the fact that you've taken a new action. If there's no action, you haven't truly decided" - Tony Robbins
With a feeling of breathing fresh air first time in a long time, thank you all.
... I truly want to apologize for quoting Tony Robbins in my last comment in this thread... that was in April.... Obviously I had no idea back then who T.Robbins is...
So learning is a good thing.
Thank you all here on EMF for supporting this process.