It is plainly obvious what is on offer.......a linear progression in life until eventually you end up in an urn or a grave. Along the way you will have to study in order to survive as an adult. Then quite probably have children that are destined for the same linear progression in life and eventually, when your body is too weary to really enjoy life any longer you might be lucky enough to retire in "good health" before you die.
I am still not satisfied with such a boring life. I wanted a supernatural life and all that was on offer at RSE in the early years.........stated we would get a ride on a spaceship and potentially travel to other worlds that were enlightened. Being able to walk through walls. Manifesting objects in our hands consistently. Raising our frequency and unfolding in a different place.....good riddance to those airlines. Not being burdened by the hypocrisy of humanity with its underlying ulterior motives behind most of its acts. Reversing our age by 20, or 30 years. Being any age in the body we wanted to be. Dining with enlightened beings from other worlds. There were many more ideas of potentials and possibilities.
Whatever we could dream of we could have. It was only limited by our imagination....
It is obvious that what was presented on offer at RSE has not become a part of daily life of long term students. On the contrary many lives are below the standard of a normal human life. It is also obvious that no other place on earth has a workable offer either. People who's minds have been formulated into thinking they can have these things end up in No Man's Land. They cannot really fit into the world anymore and they also cannot get the enlightenment offered either.
So they are in limbo and really have no place to go so they can get their version of happiness. My version of happiness is not what is offered on earth and those I know of that joined RSE in the early years were likewise dissatisfied.
Seems to me ... what JZ presented to you was some sort of Fantasy world that you bought into. Then you came to realize that it was all a farse... yet your heart still fantasizes over the false dreams and expectations that she cooked up for you. You cannot call that reality... when it was all a lie.
You do sound like an exciting person... and do you get into Fantasy movies, books, intense video games? Have you thought of building a 'thrill seeking' bucket list of high risk activities like white water rafting on the Colorado River, or a ropes course with zip lines, or bungee jumping or swinging out over the Royal Gorge?
How about a mission trip? or feeding the hungry in your own town, or helping the needy passer-by? A word of encouragement from you may brighten someone else's whole day.... these things may be more thrilling for you than swinging out over the Royal Gorge. There is a purpose to your life... God in heaven has you here for a reason.
I have loved the Bible stories... when I read it, I am there. When David lopped off Goliath's head, I was there. When the Son of God walked in the fiery furnace (Dan 3)... I was there.
It's wierd, because... one can exist 1000's of years ago in the Living Word of God and find much to thrill the heart in the silence of the afternoon. Life around my house can seem pretty boring after spending time watching (in my heart and mind) the thrilling events of the Bible unfold. It is all so exciting!! It's all the more a thrill to go to coffee and discuss it with friends... and also discover what they have found in the Word.
I pray that you reconcile in your heart... what is it? that is worth living for... Who will you connect with? Who listens to you? Who has a worthy message for you? Who needs you? Who and what do you need? How do you want to spend your time? Really dig the spade down and see what comes up... what are you finding?
I think sometimes, for the most part, we will find our answers in the simpliest of things... and they are close to us... don't need to venture too far to find it... it's right here in the quiet simple things, the sweet things.... (once you get home from the Royal Gorge)
God Bless you in your searching!
I recognize a lot in what you say: the dissatisfaction with human life, the yearning for more. I have always had that too and the promise of new and exciting abilities and possibilities was a key factor in why I became a student of RSE. But then I came to see that what RSE teaches is a load of BS: it did not work in my life, no miracles and such and I have not seen proof that it works for the others. My first reaction was to think that therefore all of the 'fantastic' or 'paranormal' or whatever you want to call it, is BS and does not exist except in science fiction or fantasy books.
Now I do not think so anymore. Even though I have never seen any actual miracles, as I have imagined them, being performed, I have realized that there is nevertheless a miraculous quality to life. Maybe it was just my expectation of what the miraculous must be like that kept me from seeing it before. As Grace says, it is the simple things. It is not very obvious, often hard to see, because it's so small and quiet and it can be anything: drinking a cup of coffee with a friend, raindrops on a flower or music, someone's smile, anything you can think of that brings you joy. Although I do not identify with the christian perspective Grace has, I do agree with her conclusion: it's right there, in the simple things, close to us. And I might add to that: because it is so close, it is easily overlooked.
But still, when I see what's going on in the world there's enough that can make a person absolutely desperate. Even just the way societies are structured and how these structures have become prisons for the mind instead of foundations for freedom and happiness. I have always had great difficulty with the idea that my path in life seemed already totally decided: school, work, house, marry, child, pet, old, sick, grave. Just another brick in the wall.
Now I think that on the one hand this is true, but on the other it is not. There is undeniably a great pressure to be just another brick, but there is also our own will and strength that enable us to withstand that, to say no to that and to write our own life's story. In my experience, reality is often weirder and more fun than any fantasy or fiction tale I have ever read. So, I have come to love reality and I hope that you can too.
I don't know what more to suggest after reading what Grace and Felicitas have said (and, Grace, your post is very encouraging and positive and down to earth, and only contains a couple of references to scripture), but I will just share with you that a few years ago, I was pronounced legally dead, then revived, so the miracle for me is just being alive, and having a body, and being able to wake up in the morning, get out of bed and make choices for myself about what to do next, and know that my experience of my life is up to me.
And, there was something very liberating about ceasing to buy in to the ideas and ideologies that I had previously been devoting so much time and energy to, and something glorious about saying, hey, instead of those robotic, monotonous, trancelike activities I had been accustomed to thinking I 'ought' to be doing, I could just go for a walk, breath the air, buy myself an ice cream, take somebody out for lunch, volunteer my time, work for somebody kind, write something, toss a ball at a wall, listen to the rain, and not feel that somehow I SHOULD NOT be doing those things because they detracted from this huge OBLIGATION I had imposed on myself.