It has recently come to my attention that I have been successfully duped by a certain cultic belief system, and that it has caused damage to my life and happiness for the last 26 years.
Imagine my surprise.
I am new to this, but have been voraciously reading for a couple of weeks now. Reading on this forum, surfing the Web, reading the Janja Lalich book, and happily Margaret Singer's last book is on my way to me via Amazon... $2.94 USD plus shipping, used. Now that's a bargain, considering what I'm used to paying for "enlightenment". Nudge nudge, wink wink, knowhuddamean? eh?
I have a lot to work through, so please bear with me as I process all this and move forward into a freer life. I look forward to interactions with all of you.
Reading this forum has been very good.
(refreshing to escape the dogma of "nothing is good or bad" for a change)
EMF good good good. JZR, bad bad bad person.
OK, no lightning strike. Guess I'll breathe a sigh of relief now.
you have to sign of your normal constitutional rights and be a nice follower to see him. ..just kidding you will do fine.
Congratulations and best of luck. If you have ?s or need to vent, EMF is here for you.
just my whole worldview~!
fortunately, I'm mostly dealing with repercussions from my first go-round in RSE, in the 80's/90's, the way it tainted my coping for years after, and the return to R$E this year that opened my eyes.
Just wondering, based on the post above, if rambles is the wind, then how does he explain hurricanes and tornadoes? Do these things not fall into his department as lord of the wind? Or is that how he gets his exercise?
standing outside my little cabin 3 months after things came to an abrupt halt in regards
to my world views which instantly collided between RSE and the outside world.
I was having a nice cup of tea when the wind blew.
My body instantly went into a panic and sheer fear.
I was technically out of RSE, but still defined Rambles as Lord of the Wind.
I sobbed uncontrollably, not knowing what was happening.
I called a friend on the East Coast who was never in RSE. I asked her to explain what the wind was.
It took my brain 20 minutes to grasp the idea of airstream and the trade winds.
Bless those people along my path who show me the way.
Hang in there, much love,
A history of -shall we say- encounters with the unexpected has taken away fears of death etc but I keep getting this "what do I hang my hat on now?" sort of deal. The sense of mission is gone. I keep going back to the essential self, the one that has gotten me through everything, and there's no sign of a 35k year old anything there... just a tough old dude with common sense and a good heart. This will work out over time. I've reached an age where I can trust myself. But there are feelings of loss and a strange unspecified grieving process, and a finding that goes along with it. My oh my. Live and learn.
I remember back in the day I used to hang with James and Fred, and those were weird fine times. Less fine and way more weird now eh?
Thank you V, keep the faith. You're on a good path IMHO.
so good to have you here.
I soo love what you have written here, it's describes exactly what I felt and sometimes still do.... just in the meantime the 'finding' outweighs the feeling of loss.But there are feelings of loss and a strange unspecified grieving process, and a finding that goes along with it
Hang in there....
And as for the mind worm: that's a bugger. One feels safe and thinks one left it all behind but it can show up any time.
Last week our cat got run over by a car.... For a short moment the idea popped up that this is Scamtha's retalation for me helping to expose the fraud.
Good thing was that I was able to put that thought aside in an instant as the bs that it is.
Much love to you on your way, Roy.
Step 1 LOSS - Denial, anger, bargaIning, depression, acceptance
Step 2 RETURN - Grieving yourself and your loss as you look back on your journey
Step 3 BRIDGE - Assessment...what to let go of and what to move forward with...starting to form new self
Step 4 RECONNECTION - Finding balance of new self, new friends, new life. Looking to the future as exciting, not dwelling on the past with unbalanced emotions anymore!
I took this from
http://www.griefcounselors.org/download ... ecture.pdf
To me, it explains well the process we are all on in this process.
Roy, you articulated so well how I would describe myself but never had the words for -- “Ungrounded weirdness.”yes, there has been some of that now that you mention it, the self-questioning and general feeling of ungrounded weirdness.
A history of -shall we say- encounters with the unexpected has taken away fears of death etc but I keep getting this "what do I hang my hat on now?" sort of deal. The sense of mission is gone.
After all these years away from RSE I still haven’t found a solid belief system on which to “hang my hat” and I wonder what exactly my purpose is. After all the blah blah blah about "making known the unknown and proudly thinking I am Akmenrah (whatever the hell that is) ", I now find myself running around in circles from one interest to the next, never mastering any of those activities and interests. Then, I find myself undermining any positive accomplishments that I have been making.
“Ungrounded weirdness” is such an apropos description of the way I feel whenever I’m with “regular” people.
Thanks to all and especially David and Joe Sz, and thanks everyone for the support.
I finally decided to write my story and put it into the leaving rse...aftermath forum.
I just re-read this message that I posted yesterday and I wish to retract it.Sometimes its disconcerting to sometimes view oneself as a "villager". Fortunately, those moments are short-lived, but I never see them coming.
There is nothing wrong with being a "villager." I guess at the time of posting my comment I was still brainwashed into thinking that being a villager is somehow derogatory. Sorry.
Maybe part of the attraction for this cult is the promise that, through our "specialness" we can somehow rise above the ignorant masses and have the life we so arrogantly think we deserve. Even if we're wearing sweats with holes in them and living in a tent on someone else's property. A whole personal identity based on being one of the chosen ones, the seed for future humanity. blech.
I guess it's time to break out the "N" word... narcissism. I delved into a study of narcissism as I was analyzing several pervasive problems in my workplace a couple years ago. It was disturbing but freeing to see that the narcissism was in myself, and that it was fogging my reality goggles.
Maybe your comment was simply that realization rising up in you- it certainly touched my heart.
I appreciate the candidness of your posts. There is freedom with seeing how the wounded child in me was attracted to the promises of narcissistic grandeur. Sooo true and grounding to admit that. thanks for posting the 'N' bomb!
I am hurt yes. But just to make it clear. I am not a danger and I do not wish any harm to the school. I am using this recovery board for therapy. I am totally in society and useful and sane. But there is a part of me. I feel very hurt.
I know you called us victims and whiners. Yes true. I am definitely a whiner and victim. I need to just heal. Forgive myself. Look to the future. Stop breaking down when I am alone. For shame.
My whole family.....they will never believe anything I ever say again. Its been big embarrassment. One of the wrong turns I made in life, when I think back I just cringe I am so embarrassed " I fell for it". I did. I fel for it all, like nothing ever before. I had never been scammed before. I believed what I was told.
Thanks Roy, you were a student for 26 years? I am so sorry.
Yes, I did say in another thread that a year ago I would've called us victims and whiners on this board. I hope you don't think I believe that now!
The Victim Excuse is the easy rationalization JZK makes when people are harmed by their participation in the school, because you created the harm right? (wrong). No, we participated wholeheartedly and genuinely and with personal courage, going against the grain of modern life because we believed Ramtha was real and "he" had the answer.
I can tell you why the harm occurred. Because there is no Ramtha, and because JZ is a fraud who by the way, cries victim louder than anyone on this board. Yes, the teachings appealed to and harnessed the best in me, then turned them against me for her financial gain. And what's even more sad, she's using my money to lawyer up and defend her own "victim consciousness" in court.
Sometimes irony is delicious, sometimes it leaves a bitter taste.
Now, I'm experiencing the feelings you're talking about Vanilla, hurt and loss and betrayal and the whole mess. Most of my wrestling is occurring in the psychoemotional and cognitive realms, and insights are coming each one on the heels of the last. Very fast. Very fast. Then I hit a speedbump and find myself having an anxiety attack, floating. Every time, I get back up and remind myself I'm a good person and get on with life again, little steps at a time.
Interestingly, I was able to locate my journal from the period of time when I "flunked" out of RSE, crashed, and a few months later attempted suicide in early '95. At that time I wrote endlessly about how hard I was trying, how focused I was, and how I was losing faith in my ability to manifest after all those years of effort. But I just couldn't take that next logical step; in fact my next journal entries were begging Ramtha to forgive me. Deep down I was just too proud to admit that I had been suckered and had thrown my whole life into a cult based on a ridiculous premise.
There's nothing in my life that JZK can get a hook into or hurt me with, and a .45 on my hip if anybody decides to get more "intimate" with harassment. So I can't be harmed and I hope nobody tries.
On the other hand, I don't mean any harm. I don't have a personal axe to grind and have no dirt or scandal to expose. I just want my friggin' mind back... and as part of my recovery I have to talk about my experiences.
The current students who come here to read EMF outnumber the registered members who visit the site.
Most of them will likely relate to us, Vanilla, and the more they read the more sure they will become that something is fishy about their beloved school. And for JZK, that is a huge threat.
regards and love to you, we're in this together.
I am very Interested in your story and how to got to this moment of writing and admitting. I am so pleased I have found this site and can say it has saved me from future embarrassment and challenges, without question
I read the comment regarding narcissism and the light bulb went on in my head. Isn't this the Achilles heel for all the people who think RSE can supply the missing key? We suffer some nurtured condition regarding self-worth, I do and I am 'qualified' to PHD level. I am supposed to be immune to this.... At least I know am human and fallible. Whilst I am, why should these people be allowed to abuse me?
In summer 2008, I was in traffic behind a bus, in Ottawa, Canada dreamy, impatient and somewhat frustrated and read an advert that said 25% of Canadians will be affected by mental illnesses. I read it and over the following days the implications just blew me away. I registered the message. One in four person you meet will have a mental illness. I could identify this in my sister, recIognize it in my mother in law, sidestep professional confrontation in my engineering career and I started to realize how effed up surviving everyday life can be....... And there's Ramtha. I would have fallen for it if I had not spent the day reading this site. It is profound. I admire all you wonderful meOmbers whoU know the reality is what it is, it took me time to register your experiences. I am a member on a board forum for borderline personalities and there is so much overlap, why didn't I see it?
Life is a challenge, the challenge.
Let me know how I can support you all.
All I wasted was the beginners event course fees but I am grateful for knowledge of LARSE that made me pause.
To your question, DaH, how did I get to this moment of writing and admitting? Hmmmm...processing...
Very big gestalt there, a little bigger than I can get my arms around tonight.
my story is posted elsewhere on the forum:
Disillusionment is usually construed as being painful or unpleasant, but the deeper meaning, that of having illusions removed and adjusting to the new truth, is actually a freeing experience. It's only our own fear and dread that makes it otherwise. It's easy to get hung up on the pain.
Disillusionment can be ungrounding and disorienting, but having support from this forum, becoming educated on cult recovery, and having supportive people around helps tremendously.
My operative assumption is that I'm an OK person who bought a ticket, went for a ride, and have gotten off the train now. I have the right to unpack the baggage and move on. Leaving RSE has been a tremendous stimulus for growth and I'm excited to be alive. Best wishes to you on your own journey, hope you stick around on EMF.