Swami Beyondananada's Ten Guidelines for Enlightenment
1. Be a FUNdamentalist -- ensure that the Fun always comes before the Mental. Realize that life is a situation comedy that will never be cancelled. A laugh track has been provided and the reason we are put in the material world is to get more material. Have a good laughsitive twice a day, which will ensure reguhilarity.
2. Remember that each of us has been given a special gift just for entering, so you are already a winner!
3. The most powerful tool on the planet today is Tell-A-Vision. That's where I tell a vision to you and you tell a vision to me. That way, if we don't like the programming we're getting, we can change the channel.
4. Life is like photography -- you use the negative to develop. No matter what adversity you face, be reassured: Of course God loves you...He's just not ready to make a commitment.
5. It is true: As we go through life thinking heavy thoughts, thought particles tend to get caught between the ears and cause a condition called "truth decay". Be sure to use mental floss twice a day, and when you're tempted to practice 'tantrum yoga', remember what we teach in the Swami's Absurdiveness Training Class: DON'T GET EVEN, GET ODD.
6. If we want world peace, we must let go of our attachments and truly live like nomads. That's where I no mad at you and you no mad at me. That way there'll surely be nomadness on the planet. Peace begins with each of us. A little peace here, a little peace there. Pretty soon all the peaces will fit together to make one big peace everywhere.
7. I know great earth changes have been predicted for the future, so if you're looking to avoid earthquakes my advice is simple: When you find a fault don't dwell on it.
8. There's no need to change the world. All we have to do is toilet train the world and we'll never have to change it again.
9. If you're looking for the key to the Universe I've got some good news and some bad news. The bad news: There is no key to the Universe. The good news: It was never locked.
10. Finally, everything I've told you is channeled. That way, if you don't like it it's not my fault. But remember: Enlightenment is not a bureaucracy, so you don't have to go through channels."