I gave up everything because I believed the words of Ramtha, that I needed to be here to be safe, and by doing this I would be closer to my god. I started leaving my past behind once I started in the school, grew distant from friends, and then when I moved left my friends behind. I still stayed in contact with my family but not the way I wanted to, and I always felt I was not doing exactly what the Ram wanted me to do because I still had the very small family contact. I completely isolated myself and just became immersed in the teachings, listening to tapes night and day, reading everything suggested, going to every event possible!!! When I finally could not financially keep my head above water, basically, I knew I had to leave the school and try to find myself financially, when I left school I did not have two pennies to rub together!!!
During my time in the school I encountered very few nice people, including other students and staff, but I excused this by the believe these were my runners!!! And felt there was something wrong with me, it was my attitude!! I made a few friends and they were only friends when I was current in school and could help them make it to events, because I see now I was fresh blood to them with a small amount of money, and would help anybody!!! And to them they were manifesting their next event (right) and why would I worry about money, omega was going to pay and I focused on abundance, and by me making the move, I would be closer to my god. During my time hear in Yelm, I married another student, big mistake, a nightmare in itself but continued to believe it was my attitude, and not theirs, even though the wine ceremonies made him a screaming drunk!!! Drinking everyday!!! I left the school and I just believed that I had failed myself during the time at the school and felt I was not worthy of being the master!!! And the choices in my life may be a reflection of myself.
I left the school in 2003, with all intentions of returning at a time where I could once again afford to attend, without having to depend on anybody else because I have always been able to take care of myself. So instead of thinking I was manifesting the money when it was really coming from someone else, I decided to leave, with all intentions of returning to the school.
I could not find my way back home financially and ended up pursuing a career away from my home, the task has been long and demanding. I could not come to the fact of asking my family to help, since I was the one that drove the distance between us, even though they were only concerned!!! All on the advice of the Ram!!! During my time outside of the school I always tried to live by the teachings, except for being out in social consciousness!!! But I had to!!! Prior to starting in the school I was always very sociable and enjoyed life.
Once in the school and after my leaving the school, I begin to feel like a outcast, and the anxiety for me was overwhelming when I left the school and had to go out into the real world, a world I had known before the school, but could never figure out the anxiety I felt. I felt I had nothing in common with people and why would they have any interest in me. The anxiety and fear sometimes overwhelmed me, but could never really understand why...I had built up fear!!! Without realizing it all until now. Of course when I left the school my very small circle of friends, were no longer my friends, leaving me in Yelm, pretty much feeling isolated and alone with no one.
Fast forward to three months ago, I decide to pick up the nisqually newspaper and talk about runners, a paper I never read...controversy about JZ and your website was mentioned. Looked your website up and can not believe what I have been reading ever since. As I read, everything is becoming so clear to me, the unanswered questions I have had, why is there no wealth in the school, with the student body and only JZ. Why couldn't I see the UFO's? Did we really change that time line on that catastrophic event? Why couldn't I manifest the money for a event when I didn't have it? Where was my god? Why was my life doom and gloom the whole time during
my time at school? What was I doing wrong, I felt I was never worthy? I am so glad I found this website because truthfully, my intentions were to go back to the great school of wisdom and start again, and it was going to happen soon, until I came across that paper!!! Talk about a runner (sorry for the lingo). As I have read over the posts and spend a lot of time reading your forums, I have had a overwhelming about of anxiety, not being able to sleep and a lot of anger over the situation of the school and JZ.
I don't understand how anybody could do this, and then I think what if I am wrong and believing in the social consciousness. But something inside of me feels relieve that I wasn't the failure, and now I must get past all the guilt I am feeling over my time at the school, when I treated my family like they didn't matter, my mom who was sick and then passed during this time and my lack of my time with my mother when I knew she was ill, and me across border lines. At times reading the forum brings so much anxiety over me that I sit and cry. And wonder how stupid could I have been. Not realizing the inner circle, not ever questioning what the Ram was telling us, I just turned to my neighbor and explained with no thought in my mind about it!!! How stupid of me. Prior to the school I was naive about religion never had religion in my life growing up but always felt I wanted a spiritual connection or some sort of connection to god.
It was mentioned on the site about spiritual rape, and that is exactly what it is feeling like. I don’t understand how JZ can do this. I always wondered why she had so much in her life and everybody had nothing, I excused it by allowing her to have is because of the gift of knowledge she was bringing to me!!! I continue to go to sleep with my list in my head, I have had that same list since I started in the school, and I want it to go away, I am slowly cutting the list down. But as I do this the anxiety builds, never did I have anxiety, until the start of school and now I am a basket case.
HOW COULD THIS BE JZ, give it up you are hurting innocent people who believed in you!!! I am so shocked!!!
Much love and hugs to you,
Only read as much as you can at first here.- moderator edit -
Dear Tree thank you for your post.
Until further notice, several paragraphs from your post regarding EE have moved to our moderators forum for consideration of permanent removal.
It will be totally overwhelming at times.
Make sure you keep grounded. Walk. Talk to a pet. Touch the ground. Do some yoga or zumba.
This will help keep your body and brain grounded and start to re-wire.
This re-wiring is a very difficult task.
The emotions that come along with that are also INCREDIBLY overwhelming ; sometimes, not even tolerable!!
Read what you are able in chunks. Your concentration might be short.
Make sure you eat well.
Make sure you TRY to sleep well.
The List will go away eventually.
I am SOOOO glad you found your way here!
You may want to write a letter to the NVN (kinda keep it semi-short-ish...couple paragraphs)
to let them know how valuable they have been in your recent discovery.
My anxiety, when I first got out was off the charts.
See if you can't get any help for that - meds, or therapy, whatever it takes to help get you through.
You can always change it up later.
Your brain right now is totally altered.
Think POW in isolation for several years.
It will take a while to re-adjust.
And big hugs to you!!!
Make sure to communicate and be upfront with your family.
Their understanding will just floor you!!
My sister had lived right down the street from the main Scientology building in FL when I came out of RSE in Yelm.
when I had finally contacted her after 14 years,
she (as well as the rest of the family) was SOOO concerned about my health and safety.
My sister has definitely been here for me since getting out even though I was a complete
ignorant, self-righteous ass to them for so long (thanks to the teachings that we were to put our past behind us!)
and we were to move ahead as the chosen few.
Keep them up-to-date . They will really want to know!!
They love you....no matter what you have been through.
They may not understand, entirely,
but they love you
Thank you for sharing your powerful and heartbreaking experience. What everyone has said is right on the money. I am reminded every time I read a post such as yours of the same exact sense of shock,, surprise, anger, sadness and guilt I went through, and still do, though much less frequently today, three years after leaving rse. This is definitely a process and EMF is full of people who are at all different stages of recovery from jz knights nightmare, so there is a wealth of helpful information and advice shared by people who lovingly and compassionately give of themselves. Feel free to ask anything you need or may be experiencing, as I am sure that someone here has experienced it and knows how to deal with it in a healthy way.
Coming out of the umbrella of dysfunction and selfishness that rse fosters, to the environment of love, compassion and concern here at EMF, was like finding an oasis in the desert for me, and I know you will find the same.
Again Shocked, welcome, and please make yourself at home,
Yes...the aftereffects are BEYOND cruel.
I would never, ever wish, what I have been through since my exit (6 years now a couple of days ago) on ANYBODY!!
3 months after I was out, I saw an ant in my sink.
I did not know it at the time, but it caused what I now know as an anxiety attack of such HUGE proportions, I was numb for days.
That little ant brought up every single teaching of the Days to Come.
Common people must have thought I was mad.
To go nuts over an ant!!
Same thing with the blowing of the wind a short time later.
I went absolutely beserk.
I had to call a friend from the 'regular' world to tell me, scientifically, what the wind really was.
I will never forget it.
It was a 20 minute conversation of explaining what the wind REALLY was....and not the all knowing ramtha spying on me!!
I read nearly every possible thing on cults that I could.
Rick Ross' site.
The ex-Scientologist's site.
I WOULD recommend Dr. Marsha Linehan's book:http://www.amazon.com/Training-Treating ... ha+linehan
even though the original title is in regards to treating borderlines,
DBT therapy is now very commonly used for PTSD and all things trauma related now in current practices.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JcS35OMK ... e=youtu.be
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1N3q6qRB ... e=youtu.be
check out these videos.
IMO, these are the absolute best out there!!
Madleine Tobias is one of the foremost authorities on cults (along with Janja Lilich and Joe Sz)
I wish you well on your path of discovery, learning and coping.
http://pub43.bravenet.com/forum/static/ ... 54&msgid=0
and the thread: To All Prospective Students:
http://pub43.bravenet.com/forum/static/ ... 8&cmd=show
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GXqtRsKd ... e=youtu.be
http://www.youtube.com/watch?NR=1&v=866 ... =endscreen
Hoping you have walked some today.
Made a very long meal and drank some tea of coffee whilst listening to the birds and squirrels.
Another idea while processing out (this could takes weeks, or months, or in my short bus case, years!) to keep a journal.
I am thinking of you every night.
Love and blessings as well as hugs :)
I've read all your posts.
I used to communicate with Jan Groenveld [when she was alive] who started Cult Aware in Australia. Some of you have seen this I think, but it is a good outline by Jan for structuring a recovery from cult harm.
Good book....The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse....even though this is mainly for ex-members of Bible cults, there are a lot of parallels to New Age cults like RSE.
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/ ... ualab0c-20
Hello Shocked, so glad to read your posts and happy to know you are here. All I could think when reading your last post was, and I'm probably talking more at myself than anything else but... I just kept thinking: It is a PROOOOOOOOOOOOOCCEESSSSSSSS....... I always have to remind myself of this and some wise advice that was given to me, which was... be kind to yourself! I have found that piece of advice to be the most helpful for me as I can be merciless to myself. Being kind to myself has been like a new way of life for me, when all is said and done, when the day is over and I'm left with myself.. I just try to love myself and be kind to me. I am and we are SURVIVORS :) That is a beautiful thing!
I know when i left CUT in 1980, some of the most healing things I did when possible were simple even anonymous acts of assistance or kindness..on the job or off
I too was in a similar situation about a year ago... Going to invite my boyfriend... Even after I watched that 17 hour fiasco where JZ peed herself on stage. I think I thought... Well there are some things good there.... If one can just ignore JZ Knight.
It was reading a few exit stories that made my mind up... That even though sometimes... Some good experiences can be found at RSE.... On the whole it is too damaging to continue to financially support it in any way... As I see it now... Financially supporting RSE is akin to enabling a sociopath continue their path of destruction.
Speaking of media attention, someday I would love to see a documentary about RSE...
From perspective of exit stories...
It seems to me that a spiritual path should include kindness and compassion... Helping others... Somehow promoted within the group.
Instead, at RSE... One just learns the latest doomsday prediction... Ad infinitum....And about JZ's personal life... And... Yawn....Much more of JZ's ego....
The French Documentary was VERY good until jz had it pulled. (Le fin du monde)Speaking of media attention, someday I would love to see a documentary about RSE...
produced in 2012
There is one documentary that Showtime owns of an ex RSE student.
It cannot be shown until all the legal matters have been cleared.
RSE TF1 Fin du monde en 2012 Enquête sur Le business de l'Apocalypse.flv
Removed by YouTube due to a copyright complaint from unknown source)
-one time, someone told me, "Do it anyway!!"
-another person said, "Take your time. Do it when you are able."
I am always amazed at the approaches that are suggested. I am of the "take your time " variety.
There are some things I just can't do yet. Like Christmas. It has taken 5 years now and it is still difficult sometimes.
Then you will be sailing along, thinking, "gee! I am feeling terrific!" And them something comes at you out of the blue (no pun) and hits you like a 2 x 4.
There is an excellent book called, "I Can't Get Over it."
http://www.amazon.com/Cant-Get-Over-It- ... et+over+it
Sometimes, I would just like to give a copy to the person who sais, "DO it anyway!" because they don't always understand where a person is at.
I gave mine away to a lady who had experienced a terrible house fire and didn't understand what was happening to her.
I usually come on EMF to try to assist the freshly out new ones, as we all know what that feels like. I personally just feel that NO ONE should ever have to
go through that process of exiting as it is extremely trying.
So I rarely post otherwise.
But this past week was a bizarre exception which left me pretty drained.
Sleep, good food and exercise , in more doses always helps
Maybe change the ringtone to Kumbaya or something, especially with the Boston Marathon bombings.
(my son is an ultra runner, so it was particularly disturbing since my new home after Yelm was only 30 minutes from Boston).
The New Englanders are a VERY hearty lot.
It was good to see them cheering on the police as they left Watertown.
Much the scene that I pray for when some blonde gets taken down.
But several months last year as well.
I just find it fathomless how a 19 yr old can plant a bomb one Monday morning - that is SOOOOO important to Bostonians and New Englanders -
Patriots Day- and then go to classes and party like nothing every happened for a few days until they hide under a tarped boat.
There is all kinds of twisted on this planet.