my story, today
Posted: Tue Nov 13, 2012 12:24 am
My story, V 1.0
Every time I think about writing this I become dismayed, because every time it comes from a different perspective. After a few weeks of thrashing, I guess I’ll go ahead and write it out.
“I have always been a genius”- my IQ has been tested twice; once I landed at 155, once at 160. I used to be proud of that, but it has made life complicated at times. Besides, it’s like bragging about your nose… what did you do to earn your nose? As I’ve gotten older I’ve finally divined the difference between intelligent vs smart. The ultimate goal for some intelligent people is to answer the ultimate questions, penetrate the mysteries, and be a shining light for humanity. A smart person would argue that you can make yourself perfectly miserable attempting that… and that being hyperintelligent creates a huge capacity for rationalization and self-delusion. This is my experience.
I’ve been having mystical experiences of many kinds for my whole life, and have always felt that a life without a spiritual basis is an empty one. Unfortunately, I also suffered a number of rather run-of-the-mill traumas in my youth which sent me into deep depression in my teens. I quit high school even though there were two full Ivy League scholarships already waiting for me in my junior year -that were guaranteed on graduation- then I ran away to join the military. This was the beginning of a cycle of escapism and poor choice making that plagued me for many years, and set the stage for vulnerability to a cultist message.
After I left the military I became involved in a 12-step program, and as you know they can be a bit culty and fanatical… the 12 steppers, the military only marginally less… so I embarked on a quest for my Higher Power with abandon. Meanwhile, I was homeless and living in my van. I would do laborer work on occasion but mostly pursued my Higher Power, and there were many many adventures.
One weekend I was at Cassadaga, a spiritualist camp in N Florida, and heard my first Ramtha tape. I was immediately hooked. All the other books, philosophies etc all went out the window and I became a Ramster. That was maybe early ’86. People would have gatherings at their houses to listen to tapes, and I bought the White Book. I moved to Washington shortly after.
I was in the Elohim group. We were very haughty and proud, some openly and others in more subtle ways, but at least I felt I belonged somewhere and was with people who understood and allowed me, and by gosh we were SPECIAL, the Chosen Ones. Well, almost chosen, I was never inner circle or staff (where’s that gagging emoticon when you need it?). I was still very poor, but I worked as a laborer on many different projects, mostly for Ramsters, and dedicated any resources I had to either staying current at school or preparing for DTC. I lived in a tent for a couple years, lived in an abandoned structure for a while, etc etc etc… real misery. Shit, the abuses at the Ranch were nothing! My life outside the Ranch was the real hell. Running across a field blindfolded at others, 12 hrs in the field or tank, 5 days on Paradise beach, those things were a vacation… Remember that monster winter storm in ’90? I lived through that in my tent; I had to trudge through two feet of snow to poach a couple ducks with my .22 to eat.
This fabulous lifestyle continued until late ’94. After years of no health care, poor nutrition, and many untreated injuries, I was in no shape to work at all, I was depressed worse than ever, and my teeth were loose. I felt like a total unworthy failure. I hadn’t manifested at all, I wasn’t even a current student, there had to be something I was doing wrong! My faith was broken, and I was attending a free event at the Ranch when something cracked. I gave up.
The problem was- my choices by this time were so bounded I had no options left. I sat in a little borrowed camper that winter, totally off my rocker. A few times I put my rifle under my chin and prepared to thumb the trigger, but I didn’t have the guts.
Then I tried to get state assistance and food stamps, the ultimate humiliation and last resort. I was denied. The night I got the refusal letter I attempted suicide. I ate a full bottle of MAO inhibitors, a full bottle of tricyclics, and washed it down with a quart of full-strength G3. (remember Gerovital G3? I had been given it and the antidepressants by a kind Ramster doc who was trying to help me.) I read my hospital chart years later, and the doctor wrote “patient will likely not survive the night”. But I did.
After getting out of the hospital, I was determined to do things a different way. I still believed in the teachings, was still sure Ramtha was real, but had to set that aside and repair my life. I continued to read the books, listen to the tapes etc, but not very often… yet I still talked to the wind at night.
Fast forward fifteen years. I’m successful, have professional training, making good money, and am married to a wonderful lady. But it was a difficult fifteen years and several very stressful events in a row (family stuff, deaths, health issues, etc) prompted me to take a year off from work and regroup.
So I decided to check out RSE again. I did the beginning, advancing, a couple of the world updates, etc. and I was swimming. Doing disciplines and enjoying them. Spending money on preparedness for my family and fixing things up around the place. All OK so far.
Then came the day when I decided go to the next level, be like the people I used to envy, and cash in my retirement account to buy a more remote piece of land and build a UG. I got the necessary paperwork, got the necessary signatures and got it notarized, then decided to think about it a bit before moving ahead.
See, by this time I’ve gotten a little smarter about things.
After evaluating world events/probabilities and application of critical thinking I decided that the prepping I’ve done is quite enough, thank you, and after getting honest with my fears, rationalizations and programming I decided to stop right there. I saw the JZ Le Grand Chat and alarm bells went off, what sort of crap is this? Then I started flashing on things I had noticed over the years and the lights came on. I did a little googling and found EMF, read on the site for almost a week straight, called Joe Sz for a chat, had a nice Skype with David, and now the chains are falling off.
I’m a very intelligent guy who was also very needy in specific ways. I got suckered in because of the missing parts of myself, and then bought into that belief system for reasons of narcissism, damaged self-esteem pre-RSE, and avoidance. Pure avoidance. Even despite my current success in life and relative security and abundance, there’s been a missing piece that always steers me into unhappiness. I know now it’s all been about avoiding feelings, old ones that I never did face. They stayed there for 40 years till all the excuses went away. This whole story is about just that.
Because I finally got smart.
Brace yourself, V 2.0 could arrive anytime, wherein I feel good about going through all this. Or V 3.0, where it’s all JZ’s fault. Or V 4.0.
But that’s the way I see it today.
Thanks for reading,
Roy G Biv
Every time I think about writing this I become dismayed, because every time it comes from a different perspective. After a few weeks of thrashing, I guess I’ll go ahead and write it out.
“I have always been a genius”- my IQ has been tested twice; once I landed at 155, once at 160. I used to be proud of that, but it has made life complicated at times. Besides, it’s like bragging about your nose… what did you do to earn your nose? As I’ve gotten older I’ve finally divined the difference between intelligent vs smart. The ultimate goal for some intelligent people is to answer the ultimate questions, penetrate the mysteries, and be a shining light for humanity. A smart person would argue that you can make yourself perfectly miserable attempting that… and that being hyperintelligent creates a huge capacity for rationalization and self-delusion. This is my experience.
I’ve been having mystical experiences of many kinds for my whole life, and have always felt that a life without a spiritual basis is an empty one. Unfortunately, I also suffered a number of rather run-of-the-mill traumas in my youth which sent me into deep depression in my teens. I quit high school even though there were two full Ivy League scholarships already waiting for me in my junior year -that were guaranteed on graduation- then I ran away to join the military. This was the beginning of a cycle of escapism and poor choice making that plagued me for many years, and set the stage for vulnerability to a cultist message.
After I left the military I became involved in a 12-step program, and as you know they can be a bit culty and fanatical… the 12 steppers, the military only marginally less… so I embarked on a quest for my Higher Power with abandon. Meanwhile, I was homeless and living in my van. I would do laborer work on occasion but mostly pursued my Higher Power, and there were many many adventures.
One weekend I was at Cassadaga, a spiritualist camp in N Florida, and heard my first Ramtha tape. I was immediately hooked. All the other books, philosophies etc all went out the window and I became a Ramster. That was maybe early ’86. People would have gatherings at their houses to listen to tapes, and I bought the White Book. I moved to Washington shortly after.
I was in the Elohim group. We were very haughty and proud, some openly and others in more subtle ways, but at least I felt I belonged somewhere and was with people who understood and allowed me, and by gosh we were SPECIAL, the Chosen Ones. Well, almost chosen, I was never inner circle or staff (where’s that gagging emoticon when you need it?). I was still very poor, but I worked as a laborer on many different projects, mostly for Ramsters, and dedicated any resources I had to either staying current at school or preparing for DTC. I lived in a tent for a couple years, lived in an abandoned structure for a while, etc etc etc… real misery. Shit, the abuses at the Ranch were nothing! My life outside the Ranch was the real hell. Running across a field blindfolded at others, 12 hrs in the field or tank, 5 days on Paradise beach, those things were a vacation… Remember that monster winter storm in ’90? I lived through that in my tent; I had to trudge through two feet of snow to poach a couple ducks with my .22 to eat.
This fabulous lifestyle continued until late ’94. After years of no health care, poor nutrition, and many untreated injuries, I was in no shape to work at all, I was depressed worse than ever, and my teeth were loose. I felt like a total unworthy failure. I hadn’t manifested at all, I wasn’t even a current student, there had to be something I was doing wrong! My faith was broken, and I was attending a free event at the Ranch when something cracked. I gave up.
The problem was- my choices by this time were so bounded I had no options left. I sat in a little borrowed camper that winter, totally off my rocker. A few times I put my rifle under my chin and prepared to thumb the trigger, but I didn’t have the guts.
Then I tried to get state assistance and food stamps, the ultimate humiliation and last resort. I was denied. The night I got the refusal letter I attempted suicide. I ate a full bottle of MAO inhibitors, a full bottle of tricyclics, and washed it down with a quart of full-strength G3. (remember Gerovital G3? I had been given it and the antidepressants by a kind Ramster doc who was trying to help me.) I read my hospital chart years later, and the doctor wrote “patient will likely not survive the night”. But I did.
After getting out of the hospital, I was determined to do things a different way. I still believed in the teachings, was still sure Ramtha was real, but had to set that aside and repair my life. I continued to read the books, listen to the tapes etc, but not very often… yet I still talked to the wind at night.
Fast forward fifteen years. I’m successful, have professional training, making good money, and am married to a wonderful lady. But it was a difficult fifteen years and several very stressful events in a row (family stuff, deaths, health issues, etc) prompted me to take a year off from work and regroup.
So I decided to check out RSE again. I did the beginning, advancing, a couple of the world updates, etc. and I was swimming. Doing disciplines and enjoying them. Spending money on preparedness for my family and fixing things up around the place. All OK so far.
Then came the day when I decided go to the next level, be like the people I used to envy, and cash in my retirement account to buy a more remote piece of land and build a UG. I got the necessary paperwork, got the necessary signatures and got it notarized, then decided to think about it a bit before moving ahead.
See, by this time I’ve gotten a little smarter about things.
After evaluating world events/probabilities and application of critical thinking I decided that the prepping I’ve done is quite enough, thank you, and after getting honest with my fears, rationalizations and programming I decided to stop right there. I saw the JZ Le Grand Chat and alarm bells went off, what sort of crap is this? Then I started flashing on things I had noticed over the years and the lights came on. I did a little googling and found EMF, read on the site for almost a week straight, called Joe Sz for a chat, had a nice Skype with David, and now the chains are falling off.
I’m a very intelligent guy who was also very needy in specific ways. I got suckered in because of the missing parts of myself, and then bought into that belief system for reasons of narcissism, damaged self-esteem pre-RSE, and avoidance. Pure avoidance. Even despite my current success in life and relative security and abundance, there’s been a missing piece that always steers me into unhappiness. I know now it’s all been about avoiding feelings, old ones that I never did face. They stayed there for 40 years till all the excuses went away. This whole story is about just that.
Because I finally got smart.
Brace yourself, V 2.0 could arrive anytime, wherein I feel good about going through all this. Or V 3.0, where it’s all JZ’s fault. Or V 4.0.
But that’s the way I see it today.
Thanks for reading,
Roy G Biv