The Forks in the Road of Life

[Whatchamacallit]

(Sorry so long)


As a child: I remember sitting in the car with my mother, driving to visit my cousins and have lunch with them. It was a nice day, balmy out, with a few clouds in the sky. Enough to have the rays of the sun shine like foggy shafts as it filtered through the clouds. I said to my mother, ?Look ma. That light is God.? I thought it was beautiful, breathtakingly beautiful.

I attended (with my mother; father rarely went) a Protestant Congregationalist church almost weekly until the age of?.around ten. In high school, I gathered with groups of kids from all different religions, and we talked about the Bible, its interpretation, and God. We chatted, debated, learned and eventually just moved on. No cults. At age 17 - 18, I considered becoming a nun. I told my mother and I thought she was going to drop dead on the spot. She wasn?t smiling. She shamed me terribly for considering such a thing. I don?t know, to this day, why she had that reaction. Never touched that discussion again. Ironically, my now husband, was considering becoming a priest. Lots of people were shocked when we got married; not only due to our very young age, but because we both seemed to be going on another path - of religious life. Well, we were shocked, too. We started as friends, introduced by another. Didn?t expect to fall in love and get married at a barely legal age.

As an adult: I also entertained astrology, and crossed paths with some ?psychics?, through someone else. Was curious about their perspective. I also returned to church

I longed to understand the meaning of life, and to know God. I also longed to understand why I had ?visions? and ?precognitive dreams? since I was young enough to remember and talk about them to others. WHY, why, why ????? So, I started to dabble in metaphysics. I hadn?t a clue. But, I did have more questions than a Philadelphia lawyer ! A number of people said that to me. Religion (my minister) told me that the MYSTERIES of the Bible are supposed to be just that - mysteries. No, I didn?t accept that. God could make them be Unmysterious and I wanted that. Maybe the mystery was because people weren?t asking the right questions.

In that mix, I learned about RSE. From October 1986 when I was introduced to Ramtha, until my last event in 2006, I was directly or indirectly involved as a student in RSE. I could write a book about that time period. To make my point in this post, I will suffice it to say that I forever lost years/months/days of time with my children as they were very young and growing quickly, that I cannot regain. I resent that. I sincerely believed I was in RSE to attain the goals that the school claimed we would, in 7 years. It was a lie because NOBODY attained it. The teachings deteriorated into very base topics and behaviors and attitudes. It was time for me to leave. I was duped by a lie. A spiritual predator. JZ Knight has admitted to the Attorney General of WA State, that the teachings are ONLY intended for people to feel better about their lives. That is a FAR cry from telling students that they will attain God-realization in the flesh, in this body, in this lifetime, and even ascend to heaven to be with the masters, simply by doing the disciplines which were designed by Ramtha to WORK. I did them. I am a happy human being, which was not given to me by RSE. I was under duress in RSE, and unable to even see how very much I was under duress until I was OUT OF IT, looking back upon it. The effects of the brainwashing, clouded my vision. But, the doubts were always there, niggling at me. I dismissed them and suppressed them much of the time, until the last few years I was there. Then, the damn broke. I still had questions, but now I didn?t blame myself for my failing to attain the promised goal. Instead, I held the teacher accountable for a failed curriculum. It became, ?I?m okay, you?re not okay.? instead of ?I?m not okay; you?re okay.?

Now, after that level of betrayal for years, what did that do to my belief in God ? What is real anymore ? Is there even a God at all ? I didn?t know. I mean - I can?t PROVE there is anything. Are there really any unseen beings ? Well, I went back to my childhood experiences. I?ve had ?psychic? experiences with ?dead? people. I couldn?t have made the experiences up, due to the nature of their content. I?m not going to detail all of that here, because it?s not my intention to prove myself to anyone; it?s my intention to share what I went through, how and why.

There are over 11,000 religions on this planet and who knows how many cults. Whether they are ?right? or ?wrong? or anywhere in between, they all THINK they are The Right One. For me, trying to figure out what?s true and what?s not and how and why will drive me mad. No, thanks. Been there, done that. Even among theologians, there is disagreement. Humans, for me, are not the answer. So, as a Yelm citizen, who had never been an RSE student, but had occasion to cross paths with many of them, said to me, ?I don?t believe in God. I just figure that I have a moral obligation to live my life in such a manner that when challenged, I choose the high road.? In other words, to choose to be a nice, good person, helpful to others, etc., etc.

I thought about that for a few years. She said that to me, one night when we chatted, and I told her I could see my time at RSE coming to a close.

Oldone and Ordinarymind were chatting about facing things, and thoughts along that line. What do we need to face, what can we let go; accepting the abstract vs. wanting the concrete.

I would love it if God would be so loving as to shine grace upon me and PROVE TO ME, with my human limitations, that there is an afterlife (without me having to croak or suffer to find it out, by the way!!!). I don?t want to hear it from a human preacher from any religion. I want to go to the top, so to speak. I want the dude in charge for REAL. I do have enough signs that I accept as ?gifts of the spirit? to show me that there is something after physical death. My clairvoyant encounters with dead people that were totally unexpected and also undesired - they just happened - not bad experiences, just experiences that proved to give me truthful information that was born out in time. Does that prove the existence of God ? I don?t think so. It?s evidence.

What do I know ? I know I?m living right now. I know that I can enjoy my life or wallow in misery from having spent 20 years of my life involved in some manner, with what I believe was/is a deceptive, destructive cult like RSE. I know that I can?t change the mistakes I made, or the fallout from those mistakes. I can?t get that time back. I can?t make my older children little again and repeat my choices, having excluded RSE all those years.

We take many forks in the road during our lives. The ?what ifs? of life will remain a mystery. Things might have been better; they might have been worse - we?ll never know.

I was chatting with a group of women recently, and a friend said we ought to ask for God and/or our guardian angels, to show us a sign that we are connected to God, to verify it?s all real. I laughed inside, thinking, ?If you only knew.? I remained silent. The fact is, I HAVE thought about that. I have talked to the air, to ?Ramtha? (whether he exists or not didn?t matter to me, I was VENTING) since I left the school, and told him what I think, just to vent my disgust with the way RSE turned out, so debased and manipulative and abusive toward people, with a president who cares more about making another buck, and controlling the masses, than getting the message out to everyone that she claims is so true and real. The actions aren?t supporting the words. Plain and simple.

Perhaps God will bless me with an understanding of what?s really true about the meaning of life, its purpose and design and plan for a future. Then again, that?s what millions of people have asked. Wouldn?t it be nice if humans didn?t have to wonder or ask about the deeper meaning of All Of Life, because they knew. Not because they accepted a religious belief, or a cultic belief, but because ALL people knew, because the mysteries were no longer. The truth was there for all to see.

So, where am I ? Pretty much back where I was when I was in the car with my mother, relishing in the beauty of nature and the simplicity of life, loving what I hope, is a real God-intelligence. Why would God care to shine grace upon me so I would have knowing for TRUTH ? Well, why not ? We?d probably all accept a winning lottery ticket, and that would be the best winning lottery ticket I can think of ! If that gift never comes to pass, I am grateful for the other gifts I have; my health, material trappings, a wonderful family, and LIFE itself, in all it?s glory. That is enough for me, though I would be happy to add the cherry on top of the frosting on the cake, too !

Those are my thoughts.

[tree]

I was under duress in RSE, and unable to even see how very much I was under duress until I was OUT OF IT, looking back upon it.

so so very true!

[ordinarymind]

[quote="Whatchamacallit To make my point in this post, I will suffice it to say that I forever lost years/months/days of time with my children as they were very young and growing quickly, that I cannot regain. I resent that. I sincerely believed I was in RSE to attain the goals that the school claimed we would, in 7 years. It was a lie because NOBODY attained it. The teachings deteriorated into very base topics and behaviors and attitudes. It was time for me to leave. I was duped by a lie. .[/quote]

Thanks Watch for starting this thread and for sharing your story. I too resent the "lost years/months/days of time" and, as I write the word "resent", I feel such a flood of relief flow through me to actually acknowledge that . ..rather than attempt to blow it out backwards, letter by letter until it disappears into some vast nothing. For so long, I bought into the notion that I could deal with my problems, issues etc by making a card and then blowing them away . ..what a bizarre teaching, in hindsight.

From this vantage point, "resentment" seems like an appropriate reaction to the years, months and days of time spent attempting to become a "master" through the disciplines of the school. Not that I want to stay in a place of resentment, but at least to know that it is a natural response and it is not that I am an "ungrateful villager" because I somehow couldn't "do the work".

Yep, lots to work through . ..but now I'm attempting to integrate my emotions rather than "blow" them away.

Thanks again . .to everyone who shares on this site . .it is good to not be alone with this process.

[Whatchamacallit]

ordinary...

we DID do the work. we were lied to. at least partially. for myself, i don't know that i'll ever even know how much was truth and how much was a lie. that's too bad, but i don't want to stay stuck in fretting over that. i was very angry at god, too. my thoughts were along the line of "how do bad things happen to good people?" i know the teachings would say, as you referred to, we didn't do the work, we're quitters, etc. it's not true. at least i had enough self-esteem to not fall into a long term trap of self-blame, as the teachings would have it be. in any university, a professor has well earned credentials, and ACCOUNTABILITY. jz knight has what accountability ? when have you EVER heard "ramtha" express responsibility for screwing up ? apologizing for grossly ridiculing adults - in front of an entire audience, as well as in front of children (which when repeated, and it has been, constitutes child abuse) ? never that i know of. the students are always blamed for failing. too many of them accept that.

we DID do the work. the teacher failed to deliver the promised results; do the disciplines that "he" designed to bring us to enlightenment in THIS lifetime. the teacher has failed. his cosmic license should be revoked for 30 years of failing to produce results in his students (insert some humor; tongue in cheek here).

when a person, in all good faith and sincerity, puts everything aside to go the alone journey for 7 years until they graduate (attain enlightenment), so that they can then be in a position to heal/help their loved ones as well as being a light to the world (oh, this is so embarrassing NOW), and they realize that they gave up the things they did (different/same things for all of us), and they are betrayed (defrauded some would say), of course they are going to feel resentment. as you said, it's normal. it's a genuine, honest, earned reaction and feeling ! we were spiritually raped.

the people who focused on blue body and died instead of being healed ? they weren't sincere of focused enough ? or their doubt stopped the healing ? REALLY? is GOD that limited ? how about if one focused that god OVER RIDES THEIR DOUBT and sheds grace upon them ? simple. god can do anything. ramtha said he is a god. he said ask it in my name and it will be given. focus on my eyes and i will heal you.

he didn't say SOME OF YOU or MAYBE...he said DO IT.

but, there are dead people who did it. he failed. if he existed, in my opinion, he failed. if he never existed, my opinion of jz knight is along the lines of history's worst human beings.

ordinary, you are so not alone in this process. i can't say thank you enough that you're posting. without judgment - there are so many who do not post as they're afraid. it's okay. maybe they need more time. maybe they just heal fine by reading only. but if nobody posted, nobody could read and benefit, either.

i have one grown young adult daughter who has a strained relationship with me - we're sloooowly healing. she was opposed to rse from the get go - as a young child !!! she was right and i was an idiot. but i meant well. i think she understands that. when i think of her being 4 months old, and having her picture taken at jcpenney, and nursing her....who ever, ever would thought that one day, that baby girl i loved SO much, would be so SO angry at me ? i wish so much i could go back in time and erase my ENTIRE rse experience. i wish that man who had introduced me...i wish i never met him. but...i did. that's not the fork in the road that i took.

that, i have to live with. as i've posted before, it's a place i have - a place with a bandaid on it - just as i would hold such a place for the loss (death) of a loved one, etc. in our lives, we sink in those painful times, or we move forward, and see it for what it was, accept that it is okay that it always will sting (memory), but we really do have the rest of our lives to party on for ! and that is my goal. not even a goal...i'm DOING it. in spite of rse, not because of it.

yes, allow your emotions and process through them. you'll do it. you might want to read the book "take back your life" by janja lilich. she talks about the phases of cults, and especially after one is out. the feelings we go through, such as what you're reading on emf...it's all in the book. it's a real eye opener. i haven't read the book that david posted about today, yet. but i've heard that the author is very "real" - down to earth - in her blunt honesty explaining her journey through her cult experience. thank goodness for people like that who dare to put it all in print with their name on it. i'm grateful.