my story, today

How is life after RSE? What negative effects are you dealing with? How has it affected loved ones? What has helped you towards healing and moving on? Share with others here.
RoyGBiv
Posts: 118
Joined: Fri Oct 19, 2012 11:56 pm

my story, today

Unread post by RoyGBiv »

My story, V 1.0
Every time I think about writing this I become dismayed, because every time it comes from a different perspective. After a few weeks of thrashing, I guess I’ll go ahead and write it out.
“I have always been a genius”- my IQ has been tested twice; once I landed at 155, once at 160. I used to be proud of that, but it has made life complicated at times. Besides, it’s like bragging about your nose… what did you do to earn your nose? As I’ve gotten older I’ve finally divined the difference between intelligent vs smart. The ultimate goal for some intelligent people is to answer the ultimate questions, penetrate the mysteries, and be a shining light for humanity. A smart person would argue that you can make yourself perfectly miserable attempting that… and that being hyperintelligent creates a huge capacity for rationalization and self-delusion. This is my experience.

I’ve been having mystical experiences of many kinds for my whole life, and have always felt that a life without a spiritual basis is an empty one. Unfortunately, I also suffered a number of rather run-of-the-mill traumas in my youth which sent me into deep depression in my teens. I quit high school even though there were two full Ivy League scholarships already waiting for me in my junior year -that were guaranteed on graduation- then I ran away to join the military. This was the beginning of a cycle of escapism and poor choice making that plagued me for many years, and set the stage for vulnerability to a cultist message.
After I left the military I became involved in a 12-step program, and as you know they can be a bit culty and fanatical… the 12 steppers, the military only marginally less… so I embarked on a quest for my Higher Power with abandon. Meanwhile, I was homeless and living in my van. I would do laborer work on occasion but mostly pursued my Higher Power, and there were many many adventures.
One weekend I was at Cassadaga, a spiritualist camp in N Florida, and heard my first Ramtha tape. I was immediately hooked. All the other books, philosophies etc all went out the window and I became a Ramster. That was maybe early ’86. People would have gatherings at their houses to listen to tapes, and I bought the White Book. I moved to Washington shortly after.
I was in the Elohim group. We were very haughty and proud, some openly and others in more subtle ways, but at least I felt I belonged somewhere and was with people who understood and allowed me, and by gosh we were SPECIAL, the Chosen Ones. Well, almost chosen, I was never inner circle or staff (where’s that gagging emoticon when you need it?). I was still very poor, but I worked as a laborer on many different projects, mostly for Ramsters, and dedicated any resources I had to either staying current at school or preparing for DTC. I lived in a tent for a couple years, lived in an abandoned structure for a while, etc etc etc… real misery. Shit, the abuses at the Ranch were nothing! My life outside the Ranch was the real hell. Running across a field blindfolded at others, 12 hrs in the field or tank, 5 days on Paradise beach, those things were a vacation… Remember that monster winter storm in ’90? I lived through that in my tent; I had to trudge through two feet of snow to poach a couple ducks with my .22 to eat.

This fabulous lifestyle continued until late ’94. After years of no health care, poor nutrition, and many untreated injuries, I was in no shape to work at all, I was depressed worse than ever, and my teeth were loose. I felt like a total unworthy failure. I hadn’t manifested at all, I wasn’t even a current student, there had to be something I was doing wrong! My faith was broken, and I was attending a free event at the Ranch when something cracked. I gave up.
The problem was- my choices by this time were so bounded I had no options left. I sat in a little borrowed camper that winter, totally off my rocker. A few times I put my rifle under my chin and prepared to thumb the trigger, but I didn’t have the guts.
Then I tried to get state assistance and food stamps, the ultimate humiliation and last resort. I was denied. The night I got the refusal letter I attempted suicide. I ate a full bottle of MAO inhibitors, a full bottle of tricyclics, and washed it down with a quart of full-strength G3. (remember Gerovital G3? I had been given it and the antidepressants by a kind Ramster doc who was trying to help me.) I read my hospital chart years later, and the doctor wrote “patient will likely not survive the night”. But I did.

After getting out of the hospital, I was determined to do things a different way. I still believed in the teachings, was still sure Ramtha was real, but had to set that aside and repair my life. I continued to read the books, listen to the tapes etc, but not very often… yet I still talked to the wind at night.


Fast forward fifteen years. I’m successful, have professional training, making good money, and am married to a wonderful lady. But it was a difficult fifteen years and several very stressful events in a row (family stuff, deaths, health issues, etc) prompted me to take a year off from work and regroup.
So I decided to check out RSE again. I did the beginning, advancing, a couple of the world updates, etc. and I was swimming. Doing disciplines and enjoying them. Spending money on preparedness for my family and fixing things up around the place. All OK so far.
Then came the day when I decided go to the next level, be like the people I used to envy, and cash in my retirement account to buy a more remote piece of land and build a UG. I got the necessary paperwork, got the necessary signatures and got it notarized, then decided to think about it a bit before moving ahead.

See, by this time I’ve gotten a little smarter about things.

After evaluating world events/probabilities and application of critical thinking I decided that the prepping I’ve done is quite enough, thank you, and after getting honest with my fears, rationalizations and programming I decided to stop right there. I saw the JZ Le Grand Chat and alarm bells went off, what sort of crap is this? Then I started flashing on things I had noticed over the years and the lights came on. I did a little googling and found EMF, read on the site for almost a week straight, called Joe Sz for a chat, had a nice Skype with David, and now the chains are falling off.
I’m a very intelligent guy who was also very needy in specific ways. I got suckered in because of the missing parts of myself, and then bought into that belief system for reasons of narcissism, damaged self-esteem pre-RSE, and avoidance. Pure avoidance. Even despite my current success in life and relative security and abundance, there’s been a missing piece that always steers me into unhappiness. I know now it’s all been about avoiding feelings, old ones that I never did face. They stayed there for 40 years till all the excuses went away. This whole story is about just that.

Because I finally got smart.

Brace yourself, V 2.0 could arrive anytime, wherein I feel good about going through all this. Or V 3.0, where it’s all JZ’s fault. Or V 4.0.
But that’s the way I see it today.
Thanks for reading,
Roy G Biv
freemysoul
Posts: 362
Joined: Thu Sep 02, 2010 4:40 am

Re: my story, today

Unread post by freemysoul »

Thank you RoyGBiv, Thank you. What you have shared is the exact type of honest self evaluation and thought provoking introspection that drew me to EMF in the first place. What you have shared here WILL help someone in the very near future. I don't know this out of some otherworldly 'feeling', or mystical powers, I know it from experience, my own experience. Thanks again RoyGBiv, very powerful stuff.
RoyGBiv
Posts: 118
Joined: Fri Oct 19, 2012 11:56 pm

Re: my story, today

Unread post by RoyGBiv »

The most ironic part that it was deep inrospection on the "Backstory" teaching that engaged the self-honesty that cut me loose! :lol:

I do hope this post helps others. Lots of lessons here, lots of dues.
Jingz
Posts: 86
Joined: Sat Nov 03, 2012 12:52 am

Re: my story, today

Unread post by Jingz »

Hi Roy,
Thanks for sharing your story. I hope your experience is similar to mine, and the purge keeps moving you towards inner peace. When I was fervently following rambles, the day to day duties of being a wife, mother, employee seemed so burdensome. Once my mind shifted out of the hole, I found so much joy in the mundane, doing daily chores with the focus of loving my family, folding laundry with love, making lunches, cooking dinner. Accepting my roles, with the sole intent of improving every relationship in my life, fast tracked me out of the abyss. After all, it's OUR life, we change it when we decide to.
Love and blessings to you,
Jingz
Rooster
Posts: 392
Joined: Wed Oct 12, 2011 11:30 pm

Re: my story, today

Unread post by Rooster »

Hi Roy,
I enjoyed your story. You have come a long way and I am happy to see you in recovery. You truly have experienced much grief and have survived trying times. Now that is the greatness of our humanity, our ability to over come.
Some seem to live their lives waiting for the end of the world. Always preparing for doom. It certainly effects mind set. I myself love just living and doing all the things I want to do. Not what I have to do or cannot do. The last thing I want to do is sit and blow my brains out for hours, told I can not travel or pee blindfolded in a can.
Yeah, life can be good when your enjoying a nice place in a tropical paradise, forgetting all the nonesense of the past. I so prefer my new life without rse and rotting in horse manure.
Kelku
Posts: 77
Joined: Wed Apr 18, 2012 8:40 am

Re: my story, today

Unread post by Kelku »

Hi Roy,

many many thanks for your wonderful post and all my respect to you and your path. I am glad you shared it with us.

So happy there is another smart villager back in town ;-) .... meaning what JingZ described so nicely
Once my mind shifted out of the hole, I found so much joy in the mundane...
This is our life and taking it back may be challenging but so rewarding.

Much love to you & your family,
Silvia
“Rather fail with honor than succeed by fraud.”
- Sophocles
RoyGBiv
Posts: 118
Joined: Fri Oct 19, 2012 11:56 pm

Re: my story, today

Unread post by RoyGBiv »

Thanks everyone for your comments and support.

These last few weeks have been quite a roller coaster ride! There was a couple weeks spent mostly in my pajamas, reading thinking journaling... then a relaxed reentry into daily activities that support my short term goals, with some thoughts flirting with the long term. Writing my story was a necessary first task I had been putting off.
I'm sure everyone is familiar with the syndrome that goes along with cutting the cord--anxiety, disturbed sleep, floating episodes, increased awareness of the pervasive effects of the "Master's Lifestyle"... judging self, evaluating, alternately kicking and forgiving self, etc. The Lalich book was the best ten bucks I ever spent. I'm in my second reading of it now.

Besides timing, (leaving R$E right before Ramthagate), the greatest gift I have is the ability to stand up, dust off, and press on. The story of my life has been taking a steaming pile of horseshit and growing daisies in it. So I'm sure I'll be OK; shoot, I'm already reaping some benefit from extracting myself from the R$E orbit and barring speedbumps, life is looking GOOD now.

I hope lots of folks jump ship this winter when Doomsday fails to arrive. The only 12 days of light I see coming are the photoflashes illuminating JZK and her pack of thieves as they perp walk out of the courthouse in cuffs. Now there's a thought to make you smile :D
RoyGBiv
Posts: 118
Joined: Fri Oct 19, 2012 11:56 pm

Re: my story, today

Unread post by RoyGBiv »

Holy moley, today I am incapacitated. I found myself unable to face the day today, collapsed inwardly, and returned to bed trying to work through severe feelings of anxiety and confusion.
After an hour of hard inner work, I cut through into a more peaceful space for an hour or two, but now here we go again, another wave coming on. Cognitively, my mental processing is fuzzy and I can't make a decision and don't have energy to act.
From what I understand this isn't unusual (though everyone's responses are different), still I'm really surprised at how severe these effects are. The inner dialogue is of course self-criticizing and lacking in self-trust and acceptance, and that isn't helping either.
This sucks. I'm going to drink some water and go for a walk in the yard now, I prefer the chickens' company to my own right now.
Cheryl
Posts: 97
Joined: Wed Aug 08, 2012 7:10 pm

Re: my story, today

Unread post by Cheryl »

Oh, I send you a hug from afar! I hope you found ground with the chickens. I hope they moved some funny moves and made you feel better. I found the groundness was the exact thing i needed after so many years of trying to have everything in my head. Just say no to too much helicopter brain and yes to grounding yourself in health ways! Be patient, it gets waaay better!

Step by step!
Kelku
Posts: 77
Joined: Wed Apr 18, 2012 8:40 am

Re: my story, today

Unread post by Kelku »

Here comes a german (((((((((hug))))))))) your way.... it will get better with time.

We had our heads in the skies and no feet on the ground. I believe as human beings we need both and we have to relearn a lot.... chickens are great. To chickens* 8)
“Rather fail with honor than succeed by fraud.”
- Sophocles
RoyGBiv
Posts: 118
Joined: Fri Oct 19, 2012 11:56 pm

Re: my story, today

Unread post by RoyGBiv »

thanks for the hugs, people. Feeling better now.
You know, I just finished watching the streamed courtroom scene today and some of the commentary afterwards, and it was kind of sad.

We on this forum are being characterized as what? sour grapes, or doubters or victims. The judge called V disingenuous. I would have called you that last year myself. But as I've tunneled through my inner questions and observations, it occurs to me that there's a challenge in facing one's own delusions and not everyone is strong enough to really admit that they've been had. For myself, I will stand up on my shaky legs and say I was taken in by a fraud. And I admire EMF posters who have done the same.
I will say that the proof is in the pudding of life. My first go-round in RSE made my life hell and bankrupted me in all ways, to the point of nearly losing my life. Within a short time after leaving RSE my life rapidly improved in every imaginable way. And returning to the school this year began to steer me back toward chaos until I wised up. Really, I don't need to argue with anyone about that. I got my proof for myself.
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Sad Grandfather
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Location: Joe Reeves, Carthage, Mississippi http://joesue.com/
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Re: my story, today

Unread post by Sad Grandfather »

RoyGBiv wrote: The judge called V disingenuous.
I have concluded that Judy owns all the local officials, and that may include this Judge.
Down with Judith Hampton Knight!
Rooster
Posts: 392
Joined: Wed Oct 12, 2011 11:30 pm

Re: my story, today

Unread post by Rooster »

I agree something is very wrong that!!! A Judge should know better than to make such a comment. I could see current students making judgements and comments, but the judge? I do believe you can ask for a new judge. I think for the comment alone. That is very unproffesional!
Jingz
Posts: 86
Joined: Sat Nov 03, 2012 12:52 am

Re: my story, today

Unread post by Jingz »

"RoyGBiv"

We on this forum are being characterized as what? sour grapes, or doubters or victims. The judge called V disingenuous. I would have called you that last year myself. But as I've tunneled through my inner questions and observations, it occurs to me that there's a challenge in facing one's own delusions and not everyone is strong enough to really admit that they've been had. For myself, I will stand up on my shaky legs and say I was taken in by a fraud. And I admire EMF posters who have done the same.
Couldn't have said it better! And you were talking about a place to hang your hat, imagine Greg and mikew when this implodes?

Jingz
RoyGBiv
Posts: 118
Joined: Fri Oct 19, 2012 11:56 pm

Re: my story, today

Unread post by RoyGBiv »

Having observed (for many years) the cast of characters who surround JZ, I'd say they fully deserve whatever happens to them.
After all, it's their "manifestation", right? ;-)
Jingz
Posts: 86
Joined: Sat Nov 03, 2012 12:52 am

Re: my story, today

Unread post by Jingz »

Yes, Roy, of course. There will have to be a teaching on how jz needed this experience and that is why rambles didnt stop it, because you know he could have (thankful I can still type with my tongue in cheek) on what kind of a shitty timeline is she on, move your neighborhood girl, you know jump on over to one where you've always been...honest, upstanding and humble?

Jingz
RoyGBiv
Posts: 118
Joined: Fri Oct 19, 2012 11:56 pm

Re: my story, today

Unread post by RoyGBiv »

I'm told there was a teaching about this recently, and Ram was cussing up a storm and promising "retribution". Now that's a laugh. More hot air coming from the "Lord of the Wind".

I'm coming up on two months since separation, about a month since I first logged on here. EMF has been a lifeline. Also I read the Lalich book twice, and am most of the way through my first reading of Cults in Our Midst, by Singer/Lalich. This has been a challenge- my attention span went to hell, my cognitive skills and reflective thinking unplugged, I was just looking at the pages blankly and had to reread things three or four times to understand them, and then I'd immediately forget what I'd just read. I was fading away into crazy dissociated states and my ears were ringing. This was all punctuated by anxiety attacks.Lovely... :roll:

So I've have to read a tiny bit at a time, had to reread several chapters, and am finally starting to pull out of that funk. Am self-forgiving when I decompensate, am opening to the ideas, seeing the whole 26+ year journey through new eyes, with all the discomfort/relief THAT entails. Pushing the boundaries of my choices outwards and defining my personal values and boundaries in a saner way. I've uncovered common threads in my pre/during/post RSE experience that led me into the personal vulnerabilities leading to conversion in the RSE belief system. Every expert says that's important to look at.

Guilt/ shame fades away for a time, then comes back in with a vengance and I rassle it again. I expect that.

yes, quite the little trip. It does help to see JZ continually slammed in the media (and soon, in the courts). I'm not a vengeful person, but I do have a fine appreciation for poetic justice.
RoyGBiv
Posts: 118
Joined: Fri Oct 19, 2012 11:56 pm

Re: my story, today

Unread post by RoyGBiv »

I also heard he was chewing their asses in the name field because it was pouring down rain and they were unable to stop it!!
:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
Cheryl
Posts: 97
Joined: Wed Aug 08, 2012 7:10 pm

Re: my story, today

Unread post by Cheryl »

Keep at it RoyGBiv! You are regrounding yourself. It can take time. You are taking back you brain and it takes fortitude!
tree
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Joined: Sun May 18, 2008 12:31 am

Re: my story, today

Unread post by tree »

Keep at it RoyGBiv! You are regrounding yourself. It can take time. You are taking back you brain and it takes fortitude!
This will be a long road. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other. Keep going..... :-)
RoyGBiv
Posts: 118
Joined: Fri Oct 19, 2012 11:56 pm

Re: my story, today

Unread post by RoyGBiv »

OK, here goes My Story, V2.0... wherein I am grateful that all this happened.

Coming up on the 5 month mark after waking up from the RSE nightmare now, feeling a bit better than I thought I would. The anxiety has mostly faded away, and I suddenly realized most of it had to do with the artificial limitations/rules/boundaries/fears/isolation imposed by the Ramtha School of Wallet Lightenment. Although I still have some questions about where my path leads from here, most of the fear of the future is gone. Watching world events, politics, economy, and of course the sun and earth, I still have concerns but they're more reasoned, more valid and grounded in verifiable facts; the panicky paranoid thoughts spawned by the "teachings" no longer drive my actions. The floating episodes of dissociation, the harsh self-criticism for being gullible, the guilt and shame, all of it.... starting to really dissipate rapidly now and what's rushing into the empty space? Balance. A self-forgiving attitude. A certainty that not only am I OK, but I'm a really good person and surely not a failure. When a mindworm appears, I crush it with the hammer of self-respect. I'm still having some motivation and concentration issues, but I'm making inroads there too.

I've found that self-doubt is not an enemy, it's an invitation to examine self, grow, decide, and move forward in a reasoned way. I used to fight so hard against my own thoughts and feelings trying to be "unlimited", not realizing that by judging and fighting myself I was destroying my own self-worth and sabotaging future actions and growth. The RSE teachings are like a merry-go-round, lots of movement but going nowhere; it's a narcissistic and self-absorbed inner wrestling match with the one person-Self- who really does deserve a break and some loving kindness. Leaving that behind for me has begun to translate into understanding, love, and forgiveness for others, coupled with better inner balance and an ability to respond to events rather than applying a kneejerk Ramster thought process that leads directly into unworthiness, guilt, shame, and further inaction. And, oh yeah, attending another event because the "new teaching" is the real answer, after 30 years of poor results... :roll: Blech. Not gonna happen. I'm not the Lord of Reality, I'm a co-creator with a loving God force that yes, has made some rules about how life goes on this planet, so I better grow up and get with the program.

I may drive a truck instead of a Bentley, but by God I earned that truck by my honest efforts. Looking around me I see things that I earned, I didn't "manifest" them in a flash of light. And I know of no one, including JZK, who has. You can't find my sort of righteous self-respect at a casino. So the Nisqually will just have to find another sucker to get the money for their new tribal center, (oh, that's right, they found over a thousand of them last week...) :lol:

Yes, I'm grateful that all this happened. By leaving that dreadful vortex called RSE my health improved, my finances improved, my relationship with my wife is growing like crazy, most of the fear-guilt-anxiety-inner conflict-crazy thoughts etc etc are gone, everything is getting better. Sometimes you just have to draw a line in the sand BEHIND you and walk away.

Now, how is this happening? What did I do? Stand by, V 2.1 is coming.
tree
Posts: 974
Joined: Sun May 18, 2008 12:31 am

Re: my story, today

Unread post by tree »

nice update Roy.

Nice to see and hear about improvements and healing. :-)
Jingz
Posts: 86
Joined: Sat Nov 03, 2012 12:52 am

Re: my story, today

Unread post by Jingz »

Roy,
Thanks for your update, I can feel your momentum in your words. There is a writer there inside you, as you have a way of making people feel your words. Keep journalling, I have a feeling there's a couple of great books inside there!

I loved your analogy of the merry go round, that is my new visual when I think about that place! I truly believe that those of us who are genuinely loving and caring of others have the most difficult time inside there, as they keep trying to beat it out of you, but we are also the ones that are unable to stay. No matter what your tenure was inside the asylum, we can feel so proud of ourselves for trusting that inner voice, finally! Because every one of us looking back, avoided all the previous red flags until we got to one that said, WTF?

I am extremely grateful that I could see that place brought out the worst in me early in the game, and I consciously avoid those kinds of situations. When I was young I was quite scrappy, and I lived a lot of my life like a boxer with my fists up protecting myself and waiting for someone to F with me. Once I had children, I realized that there are many ways to react to a situation that don't include anger, because I could see, no matter my reaction positive or negative, it would have a huge impact on how they would learn to deal with life. Nothing like kids to give you daily tests to use your new methods, and voila, after time I no longer have to have a negative response! Over those years I was in and out of the asylum, and I guess I had changed a lot from my first...to my last, and that's why I could recognize my negativity there. Add the harshness of the Yelm compound, cold rainy weather, and my personal favorite, the journey to hell, oh I mean tank!
Rooster
Posts: 392
Joined: Wed Oct 12, 2011 11:30 pm

Re: my story, today

Unread post by Rooster »

I am glad to see the healing and recovery that is happening for you all. Roy, Jinx loved your recovery stories. Roy, you have been documenting well.

I caught my self even after so many years today. I still can be over critical of myself. I was working alone and had no one to talk to but me today...Lol! I finally argued with my self and said where does this come from? Stop, it is old rse programming. At least I was able to recognize my negative thoughts and where a good part of them came from.
freemysoul
Posts: 362
Joined: Thu Sep 02, 2010 4:40 am

Re: my story, today

Unread post by freemysoul »

Thanks for sharing that Roy,
I could relate to everything you had to say and am proud for you to have pulled yourself free the way you have. Your experience and what you share here on EMF is invaluable, giving hope to those in that hopeless place most all of us have been. Thanks again for having the fearlessness to express your intimate and emotional story, it may very well be what someone needs to hear to start their own healing process, and relief from JZ's nightmare.
Sunshine
Posts: 83
Joined: Mon Jan 28, 2013 6:51 am

Re: my story, today

Unread post by Sunshine »

Agreed Freemysoul.. Yes thank you Roy for your courage, strength and wisdom that you share. It is so valuable to those of us that read here.

Much love to everyone!
Sunshine
RoyGBiv
Posts: 118
Joined: Fri Oct 19, 2012 11:56 pm

Re: my story, today

Unread post by RoyGBiv »

In so many ways we have been hurt so badly. Subtle ways, that steal your soul and your very Self from you. How one person can do all this for their own gain is unconscionable.

My friends, victimhood is an illusion. We allowed this to happen to us for very real and forgivable reasons; let's not be too hard on ourselves but instead forgive ourselves, reach out to one another, and walk forward into our lives, saying the words and thinking the thoughts that are our own and not those of another. By doing this we affirm not only the fragility of the human mind, but the indomitable spirit of love that lives in us all.

Version 2.1 is coming soon, I'm just waiting for it to pop out of my brain.
Thank you all for your kind comments and support.
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